In a Battle Royale of vampires who would be the ultimate victor:
- Selene (Underworld)
- Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
- Edward Cullen (That Emo, Non-Vampire from Twilight)
- Dracula (Bram Stoker’s Dracula)
- Nosferatu
- Colin Farrel (Fright Night)
- 30 Days of Night Vampires
- Lestat and Louie (Interview with a Vampire)
- Blade
Vampires have gone through some evolution the past few decades. They’ve gone from bad ass creatures to sensitive lovers to elegantly conniving con artists to vicious animals to emo tools. With this mind, today’s question is, among all of these different vampires, which one would survive a battle royale for ultimate nocturnal supremacy?
Not a real vampire. Sorry bro.
It’s clear to say that any vampire from Twilight would not survive this war. First of all, they’re not real vampires. Any vampire that can survive in day light is not a real vampire. Sparkling is not a real effect of sunlight on a vampire. Plus they’re far too “emo” to last a full on assault. It would be like watching Jude Law and Orlando Bloom in a fight.
Sort of a real vampire.
Angel (Angelous for long) is a pretty dark vampire and drove some of his victims insane. He is vicious and sadistic. He killed a woman’s family while she watched and left her alive for a while before turning her. He also wrote to a victim’s boyfriend pretending to be her telling him to meet her in his apartment for a romantic night. Angel left rose petals and candles leading to the bedroom and posed her in a way that the boyfriend couldn’t tell she was dead until he touched her. You would think he’d be a badass except that he later became cursed with a soul and left to suffer the rest of his life with the knowledge of what he did for hundreds of years. This guilt does not make a good warrior. Equals dead.
Getting a little better.
Dracula is not just a killer. According to Bram Stoker’s mythology, he had forsaken God due to the death of his wife. It is interesting to think of Dracula as a romantic figure, but in this story he was, and you can’t help but feel a little bit of pity for him. However, it’s for this reason that he cannot win this war. Love can drive just about anyone insane and will make even the strongest man bend his knees and feel hopeless. It’s this madness that will cause his ultimate loss in this way. “Hey Drac, is that her over there? Look over there! There she is!” He turns around, gets punched in the face and staked in the heart. See?
Starting to slip down the ladder again.
Louie, from Interview with a Vampire, also cannot win. See Twilight reasoning. He’s far too sensitive to win this battle royale. I see him getting punched in the face and then crying about it while the others circle him and laugh. He then kills himself due to the humiliation. Lestat is slightly more complex because he actually enjoys being a vampire. He is, however, the hipster of his age. He looks cool, but it a wimp.
Cool again.
Blade is black and by definition should’ve died in any of his movies. However, we see his resilience through 3 movies. He is tough, and he is our first actual warrior in this analysis. He has a lot of equipment, hates vampires, and is well equipped for close quarter combat. His downfall however is his over emotion against vampires. He will most likely kill himself in order to take out a hoard of vampires.
Watching old people fist fight is never going to be fun.
Nosferatu is one of our first real vampires. He is scary and cold blooded. However, he too cannot win this battle. He moves like a 82 year old man, and his seduction tactics won’t work on other vampires.
Convincing as a vampire at least.
Colin Farrel makes a very convincing vampire. He is the right combination of cold blooded, ruthless, sadistic, and powerful. He, like Angel, likes to toy with his victims similar to the way a cat will let a mouth run around before slowly killing it. This will be his ultimate downfall. His bravado is an exploitable characteristic. You can simply feign weakness then shoot him in the face. Boom. Dead. Idiot.
Scary ass motherfuckers.
The vampire hoard from 30 Days of Night are fucking scary. They’re what real vampires should be; scary ass motherfuckers. They don’t have traditional fangs. Instead their entire mouth is full of fangs. They are truly ruthless, incredibly strong, fast and the perfect combination of sadistic and pragmatic. They will kill half a town and leave one alive to use as bait to find other survivors.
Ugh. I have no words.
This hoard of vampires are only topped by Selene. She is the perfect vampire. She’s fucking hot, wears leather everything, is an elegant warrior and has the perfect combination of CQB tactics and technology, survivability, and ruthlessness to beat just all of these vampires and pose in a rare nude photo. Shit, she has guns. In the world of Rock, Paper, Scissors, a gun will always will. Plus she’s hot.
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