Day 115: Stop. Focus. Click... Advertising

I probably wouldn't announce this to little kids if it's true.

Day 114: Remember The Time...I Had Someone In My Corner

You see it in ring fights, basketball games, tennis matches or any competitive arena. There’s always people that root for a team, and in that, there’s always people that will root one person. From grade school to the professional leagues, it seems that the players are carried by the crowd. Remember the time someone I had someone in my corner? I don’t either.

It’s interesting. I’m a super competitive person and a perfectionist to say the least. I try to compete in just about anything I can; pool, cards, driving, basketball, paintball, story topping, cooking, etc… I wonder what it would be like to have one person, just one, a girlfriend even, behind you, to see you at the end when you walk back to the bench or what not. Granted, I can be a bit of a loner, a little bit of support would be kind of nice, I surmise.

I’m not really one to really seek name screaming, but it’d be damn nice I bet. I won a poker tournament, the biggest I’ve ever entered. It was a very long, stress filled, tough decision making day. It was the biggest field I’ve ever played in. When the last card was dropped, and I had won, I turned around hoping to see a familiar face. I did not. I collected my money, and went home.

I’ve played basketball for quite a while as part of the NY Urban Athletic League. Besides my team 14, among 4 of which actually knew how to play, not a single girlfriend came to watch and not look completely bored. Taking her to my games was extremely short lived. My friends’ girlfriends would watch and be into the game, and hell, the team would cheer each other on, but I guess it’s not the same.

I’ve won a few pool tournaments. Hell, pool is my absolute favorite sport, but it’s incredibly tricky when you’re having an off day. I bet it would be nice to see a supportive face, to make eye contact with someone and have them make a face that says, “Calm down.”

 After playing I’d come home, and whoever would be there would ask, “So how’d you play today?” I’d respond, “Oh I entered a tournament. I won” all nonchalantly because I just don’t feel that leisurely competing is anything to really talk about anymore; like it’s suddenly not a big deal if you talk about playing the game of your life, because you’re the only one who finds it important.

One day that spark will come back, and someone will be there to at least high-5 me. As needy as this entry sound, dear reader, traveling home and sitting next to not a stranger does feel kind of nice after a heartbreaking loss or an extremely hard fought win.

Day 113:If I Ruled Liechtenstein... Everyone Would Be Comfortable In Their Own Skin

This should be pretty self-explanatory.

Day 112: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Porno, Batman! Meg Ryan Is Getting More Than Just Mail!

You’ve seen it at the end of every romantic comedy. If it’s not at the end, then it’s definitely somewhere in the middle; that one electrically charged kiss that releases all the tension the two main characters have been building. The question is though, what happens to the couple next?

Are we to believe that that’s it? They kiss and live happily ever after?! They kiss then go to lunch?! They kiss then high-5?! What happens, god damn it!?

In this thought I will be using Meg Ryan (ShopGirl) and Tom Hanks (NY152) From You’ve Got Mail. (Yes I looked these up.) At the end of this date movie Tom Hanks calls Meg Ryan “ShopGirl” right before they kiss, and the movie ends with them kissing in Central Park. What they do not show, however, is that immediately after, Ms. Ryan stops in the middle of the kiss and asks, “Wait. Did… Did you just call me by my screen name?” Then laughs. Tom is befuddles. Here, they just shared this intensely charged kiss and she asks if he called her “ShopGirl”?!? He of course says, “No, I said, ‘Don’t cry…No Pearls’… or something.”

They then go back to her apartment, midday on a like a Tuesday or something, why they’re not at work I have no clue, for a nice little romp (also not shown). 3 ½ minutes later they finish up. He goes back to business of destroying her business, but she doesn’t care anymore, because she’s doing a rich guy now. Now they live happily ever after. Done and done.

Day 111: Never Have I Ever...Been This Excited For All The New TV

So much TV this week, so little time. I haven't had much to look forward to, so this week is important to me. I swear I will light something on fire if anyone gets in the way of me watching the new seasons of these shows. Yes, dear reader, this is what my life has come down to. I look forward to the new season of Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Ringer, Dancing With The Stars, Fringe... etc. It's the sad, little things in life that make you get up in the morning and curse your existence, but shit, you get up in the morning. That and also milk. You need to get up in the morning for milk. Because that shit goes bad. So now I bid you, fuck off and good luck, lock up your kids and your women, be silent while I pass by, because it's the start of the fall TV season, and I have a small to medium sized boner for it.

Day 110: Shakespeare's High School Poetry...On Irony

Life is full of irony. Your last day of vacation has the nicest, sun shiniest weather. You spend 4 years at the same job and drive in 90 minutes of rush hour, but on your last day the road is as open as a 3:00 am drive. The hot girl in class talks to you the day you get a girlfriend. I’ve seen it happen a million times.  

Today Was A Good Day

Make lots of good friends.

Try to get good grades.

Be a person someone can look up to,

And always mean what you say.

Try to be humble and grateful,

For the all things that you have.

Be confident and proud of who you are.

And always try not to brag.

Always offer a shoulder,

When someone needs a good cry.

Be fully honest but gentle with them,

And always look them in the eye.

Always follow the law.

Then go to bed alone.

Wonder why you’ve failed.

While you laugh at your own jokes.

Call everyone you know,

And try to ask for help.

Then wonder why no one answers.

While you on the couch, in the dark, by yourself.

Day 109: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words ... Motherhood

Day 108: Stop. Focus. Click...Just Something Pretty

Day 107: Remember The Time...I Knew How To Read

Remember The Time… I Know How To Read

Twice this month already I have misread texts while making plans with people. To my defense, some important words and/or information were left out but the results were astronomically funny.

Situation 1: I was meeting a friend for lunch because she had a day off. I asked her what time she wanted to meet, and we concluded that around 1 was a good time. I got to the park and texted her “At the park,” to which she replied, “Yes at the park.”

30 minutes pass, and I text her again asking where she is. “At work. What’s up?” I asked if we were still meeting which was then answered with a lot of laughter and the following. “Wait you’re at the park now?!?! My day off is tomorrow!!!” Some important information that could probably have been used.

Situation 2: A friend asked if I wanted to come out and play. Me, being the fun seeker I am, was ecstatic. I asked for the details this time, all the details like when and where. I asked what time she’d be there. She replied, “I’ll be there 10.” Thinking this meant she’d be there IN 10 because it was happy hour, I told her it’d be about a 40 minute drive for me. She said it was cool and just to come out. So that’s what I did.

When I got there I called her asking where she was. “I’m at work but about to leave. Why what’s up?” This little question tipped me off. “Oh… Shit!” I answered. “I’m here.” She laughed and said she meant 10 pm. We laughed and I had about 3 hours to kill. Luckily though she met me right after she left work, and I ran errands with her until we were supposed to actually meet at 10pm. You’d think leaving a preposition out like “AT 10” or “IN 10” wouldn’t make that big a difference. It does, dear reader. It does.

Day 106: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...The Grass Would Be Greener Exactly Where You Are

This should be self-explanatory. You’d be satisfied and content with what you have, be it emotional, physical, material, or mental. This is not to say that you can’t strive for better. You would just be able to see what’s truly good for you so you can weed out all the bullshit. In essence you’d be able to find “true happiness” (whatever the fuck that means).

Day 105: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Amnesia… Who Are You Again? And Why Am I In Tights And Why Does My Butt Hurt?

I always hated waking up with amnesia on Halloween. It’s always the worst time for it. I’ve said to myself numerous times, “I don’t know who I am. I’m apparently a pirate, slutty tiger, an out electrical outlet, Ipod, water bottle (through the different years). And also I have a craving for candy.”

What would happen if Johnny Depp woke up one morning with amnesia (amnesia in the sense that the only thing he can't remember is that he's an actor) and thought his actual identity was that of the character(s) he's played in movies (Edward Scissorhands, the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, Willie Wonka, Jack Sparrow, Ed Wood, Sweeny Todd, etc.)?

If Johnny Depp woke up thinking he was actually Jack Sparrow, he would most likely not shower or brush his teeth in the morning. I’m assuming he would head outside and look for the closest marina to commandeer some sort of boat. On his way people would probably throw money at what they thought is a gay, homeless pirate which Mr. Depp would quickly take. What pirate doesn’t like money?

As Sparrow would try to enter the local watering hole, the bouncer would most likely reject his entrance. “Sorry, we don’t let homeless into this bar.” Capt. Jack would have better luck at the gay bars give his attire and mannerisms. He may even begin to think he was gay at which point a paparazzi would get his picture making out with another guy. The headline will read, “It’s About Gay Damn Time: Johnny Depp Caught Making Out With Man Who Has Pirate Fetish.

The happy could would live happily ever after until the amnesia wears off, most likely while Johnny Depp is cheek and hand deep in man love, grunting, and medium rare, pink in the middle, tube steak.

Day 104: Never Have I Ever ... Punched Through A Wall

I guess I get angry. Who doesn't? I tend to keep shit to myself until I explode privately. I don't want to scare anyone after all. Thankfully, it usually takes a lot to get me to that point, and I, more often than not (I think but I'm probably wrong) can let little things go.

The victim of my physical anger is usually a wall of some sort. I think I just like the physical pain. I am, or used to be, a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I used to be able to break boards, but I haven't since then. I never thought I'd actually punch through a wall when I hit one. Oops. After I punched through I guess I scraped some skin off, and there was actually a lot of blood for such a small scrape but 15 minutes later it stopped, and life moved on.

Day 103: Shakespeare's High School Poetry

A cinquain poem can follow a few different formats, but the structure is visually similar in that it physical structure of the poem looks similar to a wave of words.

The format I will be following is as follows:

Line 1 is one word (the title)
Line 2 is two words that describe the title.
Line 3 is three words that tell the action
Line 4 is four words that express the feeling
Line 5 is one word that recalls the title

Slippers
Gray, comfortable.
Clacking, hugging feet.
Head down walking alone.
Two slippers.

Day 102: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

2 Heads Are Indeed Better Than 1

2 heads will win you a championship belt

1 will lost you one.

Day 101: Stop. Focus. Click...I Heart NJ Even When No One Else Does

New Jersey's like that child only a mother could love. Even though there are tons of jokes centered around NJ, I still love it. Only here can you order a pork roll or taylor ham, and the person taking your order will know exactly what you're talking about.

How I Do Hearts Me Some Pork Roll, Egg and Cheese on a Roll

Day 100: Remember The Time...There Were Only 265 Of These Posts Left

100 down. 265 more to go. Besides breathing, getting up in the morning, and few a minor things, I'm not sure that I can say I've done anything for 100 straight days. I haven't even played pool for 100 straight days, and I play A LOT of pool (well not so much anymore, but I used to). So, here's to the last 265 posts.

Day 99: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...People Would Know How To Drive In The Rain

What is it about the rain, or any precipitation really, that makes people just totally forget how to drive? I don't know either, which is why, in my country, it is now mandatory to take certain driving courses. Along with the standard driver's ed course, liscence candidates are now required to take a defensive driving course and an adverse weather driving course. The hope is to give each person the confidence to drive in hazardous conditions and how to handle "worst case scenarios" such as spit outs, hydroplaning, and hard cornering.

In the defensive driving course, students will learn how to properly handle the road without being aggressive. The hazardous weather driving course will teach people how to handle bad weather. Of course, the only way to give people road condifence is practical experience in the class itself. Rather than just telling students "This what to do if you hydrplane," we put them in a car and force a hydroplane in a protective stunt car.

Because the driving education and knowledge will be very high, the driving laws will also have to be stricter to prevent unnecessary stunt-like driving for fun. Speeding will have high fines, aggressive driving will be punishable with more than just a ticket, and responsible driving will be rewarded by the insurance companies.

Hopefully the combination of these factors will make driving much more fun and that much more safe.

Day 98: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Fighting Batman! Why Aren't You Man Enough For This Fight?!?

In a Battle Royale of vampires who would be the ultimate victor:

• Selene (Underworld)
• Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
• Edward Cullen (That Emo, Non-Vampire from Twilight)
• Dracula (Bram Stoker’s Dracula)
• Nosferatu
• Colin Farrel (Fright Night)
• 30 Days of Night Vampires
• Lestat and Louie (Interview with a Vampire)
• Blade

Vampires have gone through some evolution the past few decades. They’ve gone from bad ass creatures to sensitive lovers to elegantly conniving con artists to vicious animals to emo tools. With this mind, today’s question is, among all of these different vampires, which one would survive a battle royale for ultimate nocturnal supremacy?

 Not a real vampire. Sorry bro.

It’s clear to say that any vampire from Twilight would not survive this war. First of all, they’re not real vampires. Any vampire that can survive in day light is not a real vampire. Sparkling is not a real effect of sunlight on a vampire. Plus they’re far too “emo” to last a full on assault. It would be like watching Jude Law and Orlando Bloom in a fight.

Sort of a real vampire.

Angel (Angelous for long) is a pretty dark vampire and drove some of his victims insane. He is vicious and sadistic. He killed a woman’s family while she watched and left her alive for a while before turning her. He also wrote to a victim’s boyfriend pretending to be her telling him to meet her in his apartment for a romantic night. Angel left rose petals and candles leading to the bedroom and posed her in a way that the boyfriend couldn’t tell she was dead until he touched her. You would think he’d be a badass except that he later became cursed with a soul and left to suffer the rest of his life with the knowledge of what he did for hundreds of years. This guilt does not make a good warrior. Equals dead. 

 Getting a little better.

Dracula is not just a killer. According to  Bram Stoker’s mythology, he had forsaken God due to the death of his wife. It is interesting to think of Dracula as a romantic figure, but in this story he was, and you can’t help but feel a little bit of pity for him. However, it’s for this reason that he cannot win this war. Love can drive just about anyone insane and will make even the strongest man bend his knees and feel hopeless. It’s this madness that will cause his ultimate loss in this way. “Hey Drac, is that her over there? Look over there! There she is!” He turns around, gets punched in the face and staked in the heart. See? 

 Starting to slip down the ladder again.

Louie, from Interview with a Vampire, also cannot win. See Twilight reasoning. He’s far too sensitive to win this battle royale. I see him getting punched in the face and then crying about it while the others circle him and laugh. He then kills himself due to the humiliation. Lestat is slightly more complex because he actually enjoys being a vampire. He is, however, the hipster of his age. He looks cool, but it a wimp.

Cool again.

Blade is black and by definition should’ve died in any of his movies. However, we see his resilience through 3 movies. He is tough, and he is our first actual warrior in this analysis. He has a lot of equipment, hates vampires, and is well equipped for close quarter combat. His downfall however is his over emotion against vampires. He will most likely kill himself in order to take out a hoard of vampires.

Watching old people fist fight is never going to be fun.

Nosferatu is one of our first real vampires. He is scary and cold blooded. However, he too cannot win this battle. He moves like a 82 year old man, and his seduction tactics won’t work on other vampires.

Convincing as a vampire at least.

Colin Farrel makes a very convincing vampire. He is the right combination of cold blooded, ruthless, sadistic, and powerful. He, like Angel, likes to toy with his victims similar to the way a cat will let a mouth run around before slowly killing it. This will be his ultimate downfall. His bravado is an exploitable characteristic. You can simply feign weakness then shoot him in the face. Boom. Dead. Idiot.

Scary ass motherfuckers.

The vampire hoard from 30 Days of Night are fucking scary. They’re what real vampires should be; scary ass motherfuckers. They don’t have traditional fangs. Instead their entire mouth is full of fangs. They are truly ruthless, incredibly strong, fast and the perfect combination of sadistic and pragmatic. They will kill half a town and leave one alive to use as bait to find other survivors.

Ugh. I have no words.

 

This hoard of vampires are only topped by Selene. She is the perfect vampire. She’s fucking hot, wears leather everything, is an elegant warrior and has the perfect combination of CQB tactics and technology, survivability, and ruthlessness to beat just all of these vampires and pose in a rare nude photo. Shit, she has guns. In the world of Rock, Paper, Scissors, a gun will always will. Plus she’s hot.

Day 97: Never Have I Ever... Been Sore From A Video Game

My sister recently bought Dance Central for Xbox Kinect. It's a dance video game that is tons better than DDR will ever be, because it's not just your feet you need to worry about. It's full on dancing. It's awesome. It's a good workout. And now I'm sore.

She had a bbq this past weekend, and though we took turns among her mostly female guests that wanted to play, I still found myself sweating a damn lot. A few days later my legs still hurt. Fuck running. Just start up the damn game.

Day 96: Shakespeare's High School Poetry ... On The New Ride

The Senryu Poetry Type is a short Japanese poem that is similar to a Haiku poem in structure but treats human beings rather than nature, often in a humorous or satiric way. Haiku is usually published with the name of the author and senryu is not.

Sasha

Sparkling new Sasha.

Smooth ride, 4 doors, decent gas.

Slow ass piece of shit.

Day 95: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

under construction for some reason

Day 94: Stop. Focus. Click...Par-Tay Central

This friggin kid. Too awesome.

Fist Pumping on Xbox Kinect...To Lady Gaga's Pokerface...In His Boxer Briefs.

Day 93: Remember The Time...There Was An Earthquake AND A Hurricane In One Week

Apparently there was an earthquake a week before Hurricane Irene. I received a call from my sister's, husband's, niece's mother frantically asking, "Are you guy okay??!!" I answered, "Yea, why did something happen?" "Uhh there was an earthquake!" she explained.

I had a brief holy shit moment, which was followed by simple apathy. We didn't feel anything. Or so I though. I was reading people's responses to the quake, and a lot of people thought they were experiences brief vertigo. Holy shit! I did feel it! I've had vertigo before so I simply thought it was that. We were on our way to lunch to I either thought I was heat exhausted or had low blood sugar. I had no clue it was an earthquake. Then I thought, "Eh, whatever the fuck. Nothing really happened."

Later in the week Hurricane Irene hit. Also not too big a deal. Trees falling, heavy ass rain, strong wind. Again, I was rather apathetic. Two big events of nature hyped up and thankfully nothing to show for it.