Day 153: Never Have I Ever... Been This Resourceful

My sister asked 40 minutes before a Halloween party if I wanted to come along with her, her husband and their son. I, of course, said yes so I rushed home and tried to make the most ghetto costume. Here are the results.

*Warning! Nerd Alert

Ghost From Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 1 and 2

$3.99 later

Mind you, for some reason, I already owned a tactical Swat vest. I went to a random Halloween store for a mask. My head set which you can't really make out is from my xbox.

Day 146: Never Have I Ever…Had To Jump Start My Car (and still haven’t had to)

So last Monday was an odd day. It was a day of bad timing, which is really a typical day for me. I’m totally the type of person to enter a grocery store, and there will be no lines at the checkout counter. However, when I decide to pay I will be on the longest line with no one behind me, suggesting that I am the last person to have to pay, and I will be stuck behind all the feisty old people that need to fight the teller over 5 cents. Then on the way home, pace myself with 65 mph traffic and be the only one to get caught speeding. Upon my return home, my garage remote will run out of batteries, so I’ll call one of my parents to open it for me but they’ll be in heavy traffic. This is typical for me, which is why I think I tend to be so much fun in these situations, if I don’t say so myself. You can bitch an hour which does nothing, or you can make the best of it and laugh.

So last Monday, I had built a desk with A LOT of parts that needed to be disassembled. Yes, that’s correct, I had built it, then needed to take it apart, because my dad needed to clean around the area. Okay, no problem. Done and done.

Earlier that day, I had spoken to a friend because I had forgotten something in her car from Saturday and wanted to pick it up. It was a go. So my plan was to go to Chic-fil-a, pick us up some food, then head about 30 minutes north to pick up my prized possessions, eat, then just go home. I had also called my friend’s hot friend, well because, she’s hot and we get along swimmingly. She loves Chic-fil-a as much as I do and lives around the corner from my friend, so I wanted to include her. To shorten this part, I bring food up to friend and hot friend, we eat, I leave. Done and done.

Around 6:45 I walked out of the mall with a large bag of chicken sandwiches, and I got a call from my friend saying that something had come up, and she couldn’t make it anymore. Then hot friend called me saying the same thing, and I was stuck with a bag of chicken and my proverbial dick in my welcoming hand. She was saying how she didn’t want to make me drive up just to bring her a sandwich, which I would’ve done anyway because I’m crazy random like that. Eventually hot friend and I had agreed that if I drove up to bring her food, she would eat with me and hang out for a bit. Done and done.

At about 730 I picked her up, and we drove around looking for a place to park so we could just eat in my car. We had parked over by the water romantically overlooking Lower Manhattan’s lit skyline. We looked at each other oddly and thought outloud, “Is… is this like a date or something?” We laughed it off, ate, talked and 90 fast minutes later, I had to drive her home. So, being the theme of the day is “What next?!?!” my car doesn’t start. Done and done.

I walked around (and by around I mean to the Starbucks because I had to take a leak) to look for security because they had been patrolling. I figured they would have jumper cables, but they were not to be found. So I made some calls to ask if any friends in the area could jump start me. Done and done.

Hot girl and I walked around the pathway discussing things that adults our age discuss (which is fancy for “I don’t fuckin remember”) and 30 minutes later my friend shows up to jump my car. Excellent. When he got there, I instinctively push the Unlock button on my remote, however, if my battery had died, that shouldn’t have worked. So I decided to try and start my car. So “What next” being the theme of the day, my car starts. We all got a good laugh about hot typical that was since I was involved, and parted way.

On her way home, hot friend and I were discussing the possible “What nexts” and came up with the following:

• As soon as my friend drives off my car breaks down and my phone dies.
• I get 2 flats since I only have 1 spare.
• An anvil falls on me.
• I get caught in the middle of a war between the sewer people and elves.

Day 139: Never Have I Ever... Had Purposely Tried To Get Out Of My Shell

It's been a pretty trying past few weeks/months, whatever. I've been hanging out a lot with one of my oldest friends, Rachel (mostly because we just happened to be free at the same times). She is probably one of the most personable, friendly people I know, and I guess it rubs off. It's either that or she's an awesome wing-woman, I haven't decided yet.

Now, you have to understand that I just don't talk to random people. It's taken me about 6 months to talk to a woman that I'm actually pretty close with, and that's really mostly because she made the effort to talk to me. *Note - I can have human conversation. If you talk to me, I'll definitely talk. I'm just not a good conversation starter.

I don't talk to random people (and by people I mean women). It's just something I don't do. I'm not really starving to female attention, and I don't need to be trying to talk to a new one every minute that I'm out. I also have no clue how I have made friends if I don't like the stress of meeting someone new.

Rachel, however, has made friends with the really pretty bartender that I now talk to pretty consistently when she works. There is also this random hot singer of some random band that came up to her, and I somehow started talking to her before getting majorly cock blocked by one of our friends (a female mind you).

I purposely tried this little social experiment, I guess, to get out of my shell. Mission - half passed.

Day 132: Never Have I Ever...Been So Enthusiastic To Paint The Garage

Every year my dad finishes the garage doors with varnish before the coming winter. This year, so desperate to be outside and keep busy, I offered. There's something about doing a menial task that is sort of relaxing. You don’t have to think about anything except what you’re doing right now. It’s probably why I love cooking so much.

There’s no thoughts of what the hell I’m doing with my life, how many wrong paths I’ve chosen, how often I’ve screwed something up, or how angry I am. I just needed to paint. That’s all I had to do, and I took my sweet ass time. It was hot, and I was sweating, and it was great.

Day 125: Never Have I Ever...Hung Out With A Felon

So, back to this weird girl, Brandy, from a few posts ago. Apparently, to my understanding, my friend Rachel thought I was trust worthy enough to be left alone with this girl. However, a recent conversation with my dear friend, Rachel, revealed Brandy's mugshot. I didn't really care as this girl is 115 lbs soaking wet and about 3 feet tall. I just thought it was funny that Rachel was weary of leaving her friend alone with me. Now I understand why.

It figures that the first girl I meet in months was arrested for battery. Although she can be sort of hot, I'm going to say not so much in this case. Fair warning to all of you out there in the blogasphere: Do not meet anyone ever. Especially if you're me, which you're not.

Day 118: Never Have I Ever...Went To A Bar Fully Expecting To Not Have Fun

I’m a fun person. I try to have fun no matter where I am. I can find fun no matter where I am. It’s a talent, I guess. However, when I went out with my good friend this past weekend, I knew full well I was not going to have a good night.

You see, dear reader, she has an uber-dramatic friend (meaning psycho) that I met a few days before. My friend, we’ll call her Rachel, felt comfortable enough to leave me alone with her friend, who we’ll call Brandy. Apparently I am a cool, trustworthy guy. This night, though, my patience would be put to the test.

After Rachel left, the night quickly went downhill as Brandy was psycho-emotional over her ex-boyfriend. She started crying hysterically and rambling. I thought to myself, “Well hello person I’ve met for the first time ever in life, how do you do?” I tried to calm her down, but she was insistent on drunk dialing her ex and rambling on about blah blah blah. I honestly stopped caring after she had shown me her propensity for stubbornness in the face of logic.

She continued to call him, and he continued to ignore her. I said something to the effect of, “Well if he’s not answering, maybe you should stop calling and just let it go.” To which the already hysterical girl went even more hysterical. Fuck my night. I walked her to her car, told her to text me when she got home, and that was the end of it. (Actually she called me when she got home, said “Matt?” I replied, “No but I guess you’re home.” and hung up the phone and went back to sleep. Hahaha)

We all hung out again on Friday, a few days later. Rachel warned me that she was bringing her ex. I thought to myself, “Well this is going to totally ruin my night.” But I love Rach to death, and I will hang out with her at the drop of a hat if I can.

The night started out okay, before Brandy started trying to make her boyfriend jealous by openly trying to flirt with me and talk about me. To her defense, he was being a douche. I knew what she was trying to do and immediately told her to leave me alone. He too came up to me and asked what was up. I immediately defended myself. “Bro, I don’t know what the hell is going on with you two, but honestly, I don’t fuckin care. I’m 31 and way too old to be dealing with your young ass drama. So, whatever the fuck it is ya’l have to do to act fuckin normal, do it, and stop ruining my buzz.” He seemed to respect the bluntness actually, so he got out of my face.

The rest of the night was more of this, so at the end I briefly thanked the both of them for ruining my night. Fuck. My. Life.

Day 111: Never Have I Ever...Been This Excited For All The New TV

So much TV this week, so little time. I haven't had much to look forward to, so this week is important to me. I swear I will light something on fire if anyone gets in the way of me watching the new seasons of these shows. Yes, dear reader, this is what my life has come down to. I look forward to the new season of Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Ringer, Dancing With The Stars, Fringe... etc. It's the sad, little things in life that make you get up in the morning and curse your existence, but shit, you get up in the morning. That and also milk. You need to get up in the morning for milk. Because that shit goes bad. So now I bid you, fuck off and good luck, lock up your kids and your women, be silent while I pass by, because it's the start of the fall TV season, and I have a small to medium sized boner for it.

Day 104: Never Have I Ever ... Punched Through A Wall

I guess I get angry. Who doesn't? I tend to keep shit to myself until I explode privately. I don't want to scare anyone after all. Thankfully, it usually takes a lot to get me to that point, and I, more often than not (I think but I'm probably wrong) can let little things go.

The victim of my physical anger is usually a wall of some sort. I think I just like the physical pain. I am, or used to be, a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I used to be able to break boards, but I haven't since then. I never thought I'd actually punch through a wall when I hit one. Oops. After I punched through I guess I scraped some skin off, and there was actually a lot of blood for such a small scrape but 15 minutes later it stopped, and life moved on.

Day 97: Never Have I Ever... Been Sore From A Video Game

My sister recently bought Dance Central for Xbox Kinect. It's a dance video game that is tons better than DDR will ever be, because it's not just your feet you need to worry about. It's full on dancing. It's awesome. It's a good workout. And now I'm sore.

She had a bbq this past weekend, and though we took turns among her mostly female guests that wanted to play, I still found myself sweating a damn lot. A few days later my legs still hurt. Fuck running. Just start up the damn game.

Day 90: Never Have I Ever...Wanted To Laugh So Hard At A Whining Child

Yup, it sounds mean, but let me explain. My nephew is 6 years old, and my brother-in-law, his mother (my sister), and I are trying to toughen him up a little bit, because he's turning into a bit of a whiner. Usually when kids whine, parents tend to cater to them to a point. In an effort to teach him a little bit about life, how you can't always get what you want, how you can't always win, and how you have to be patient, we're being a little bit tougher on him.

He called himself a "loser" because his mom won at a fun game. He failed to see that although he lost to my sister, he beat me, my cousin and another person. He said, "I quit because I never win!" in a really sad voice to which his dad replied, "Well with that attitude you won't win. You have to be persistent and keep trying, and you'll win. And if you don't win, you'll know you tried your hardest."

He then pointed out how his uncle (that's me) never cares if I win or lose because I have so much fun while I'm playing. (Random fact 1 - I try to make everything fun. Everything. Waiting in line. Food shopping. Walking. It's a good ADD skill when you get as bored as I do.) I mean I'm a hyper competitive person, but I like having fun way more.

The story that I'm referring to, however, is this. My nephew left one of his dive sticks in the deep end of the pool. He was all dressed to go swimming, the sun was out, but his attitude was horrible. He fought with his mom for about 40 minutes about how he didn't want to go swimming, even though he clearly did. He just didn't want to go alone. So me being the awesome uncle I am, ran without any hesitation or without anyone asking, ran to change into mu trunk even though I had just taken a shower. I said, "If I change and have to get the dive stick myself you're not getting back."  

"It's no fair," he replied. My sister asked why. "The water's too cold." It was not. He then said, "Mommy? When you were little, did you ever have to ride a big person ride by yourself?" "No, Logan." "Then why do I have to go into the pool by myself? It's not fair!" By this point he was almost crying, and my sister started counting in that harsh tone. "Don't rush me!!!" he replied very angrily. "It's not fair!" to which I said, "You know what's not fair Bud? Starving kids in Somalia and midgets that can't go on the rides we went on today!" My sister laughed and said, "You know what's not fair Bub? That your uncle went on all those rides with you when he gets motion sick. He took a shower, but changed so you don't have to go swimming alone."

After about 20 minutes of coaxing, he finally went into the pool, which was not cold. I threw him around like a shot put from end to end for about 30 minutes. We then went insides, and my sister and I had a good time re-telling the entire story. Kids, don't you just want to hit them with a bag of oranges?

Day 83: Never Have I Ever... Relived The 90's

I have no internet. I must admit that it does sort of suck, because I've grown accustomed to checking my credit card, bank statements, facebook, and just surfing other random things whenever I please. I do have my phone, but my phone but the internet on it is extremely slow. I also need to post entries for this blog. There are ways around certain things with enough patience, but fuck, I'm on vacation. I need to relax. I NEED to relax. I NEED to not think about the things that I've been thinking. I need to if I want to keep my sanity.

I have a pool, the beach, the boardwalk, and shit, a house filled with my family. My parents, my sister and her husband, my nephew, and random visitors that pop in and out. It's the good kind of distraction from the shitty parts about life, and from the small fact that I don't have internet.

It's kind of amazing how addicted and reliant we are on the web for almost everything. I've felt almost disconnected. I still have a TV and a pretty good phone with internet, IM'ing options, and uhhh also the ability to just call people. A few days after just leaving my phone behind, trying not to check it, not to sit on it, the sun felt even more awesome, the water felt a little more refreshing, the ocean felt a little more soothing.

To these nerds who can't get away from technology, I say, GO OUTSIDE! Drink up some life. It always goes down smooth. That and get out of my way. I'm trying to win an angry bird for my sister.

Day 76: Never Have I Ever… Crop Dusted An Entire Row Of People On the Train

Not so long ago in a universe not all that far away, I had gas. Bad fucking gas. I was lighting it up all day just about. I never really care if I have to let one go. They’re usually quiet unless I choose the opposite, and they rarely stank (that’s right, dear reader, “stank”) unless, of course, I have to take drop a pretty bad deuce.

Never have I ever purposely crop dusted an entire group of people on the train trying to reach the other end of the car. That is until a few days ago. Peaches and beer are two things that make me notoriously gassy. If I’m having either, you can bet I’m dropping a bunch of silent bombs.

On this fateful day, I was waiting for my sister to take the PATH train. I had bought a few peaches from Whole Foods, because I was so parched that even drinking water was not helping. We had finally met, and I knew what was going to happen once the train would make its way towards Newark Penn Station. I would have to let a few go on the train and hope that no one would notice. I was already mentally preparing just when to drop my magical ass burps. Being a NJ Transit pro, I know where the train is the noisiest.

The PATH ride was unexpectedly ass silent. The NJT ride, however, was not. In a moment of weakness, and I would have to say a little bit of revenge against the Indian community for years of BO torture, I let out a test fart (approximately 10-17% of the entire fart to test for smell and sound level). This fateful day though, I released a rushing river that simply could not be contained by any natural means. That’s right folks, the danger of a test fart is that sometimes, just sometimes, you cannot stop what needs to be released.

While walking towards the other end of the car, I had somewhat inadvertently crop dusted the entire isle. I would have to say though, I was quite impressed with the duration, quietness, and odorlessness. I silently laughed on the inside while cursing and simply not caring about the people I have left in the path of my bodily napalm. I simply did not care anymore. There's this saying god awful nerdy saying that I absolutely love. "A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas." Translated: Show them no mercy for you shall receive none. Years of NJT commuting and not once has their BO shown me any kind of relief. This was my way of offering no quarter when I have neither asked for or even received any.

So if you’re sitting on a train, and I’m in the car, beware. You may have just been crop dusted sucka.

Day 69 (huhuuhuh): Never Have I Ever... Waited To Have Sugar Poured On Me By A Bunch Of 60 Year Old Men

I love hanging out with my sister. I've said to her a bunch of times, "You're fun again!" She was pretty unbearable for small point in time mostly because she was just downright cranky. But she's awesome, and I am severely jealous of the life she's made for herself, and I know she'll never read this so I can say freely that I admire her spirit, and I love spending time with her and her family. They're fun.

Last week she asked if I wanted to see Def Leppard in conert. How in the fuck am I going to say no. Seriously. I was a little skeptical, because DL was popular in the 80's. the 80's! It's 2011. Can these old dudes really rock a show out at 50-60+ years old? Realizing I've never ever been to a concert with my sister, I said yes.

I had mixed feelings, but I'm a sucker for live music so it couldn't really be all that bad. Heart opened. O.M.G. Heart opened. The red headed guitar player (given my closet love for red heads... PLUS a guitar player?!?!) was hot. She's like 60 but ho.ly. shit. Totally rocked it.I was pitching half a tent.

Then Def Leppard. What. The. Fuck! So good! I was almost embarrassed of my sister. Almost. She was screaming, tearing, singing, dancing. She'd grab my arm, and I'd have to respond with, "Let go of me you teenage girl!" She then would grab onto her husband. I probably won't ever tell her how much fun I have with her, but it's lots. Absolutely lots.

Did I mention that DL's drummer ONE FUCKING ARM! He totally does, and he's still way better than half the drummers I hear. 

Random Fact 538 - After every concert I always rediscover my guitar.

Day 62: Never Have I Ever… Been Electrocuted…Yup Electrocuted

Well this was completely not on purpose, but it definitely was the first time ever. I was plugging in my rice cooker with wet hands, and I guess my finger was touching the metal on one of the prongs when I went I reached for the outlet, because ZAP. I was shocked, literally shocked. I yelled out an “Oh shit!” The surge ran from my hand to my ear of all places. It was weird and scary, but I guess everything turned out okay because 45 minutes later I was eating brown rice.

This is just something I can add to a long list of kitchen shenanigans like cuts, bruises burns...etc. Like the time I cut off the round part of my thumb, or the time I burned myself symmetrically on my thumbs a day apart. Always an adventure with me I'm afraid.

Day 55: Never Have I Ever...Been That Douche That Walks Around Topless

I'm fat. Ok. I'm not fat, but I have been developing a little bit of a guy because I'm a stressed out emotional eater. I noticed the past few weeks how heavy I've been eating, and I realized how much harder I need to push my work out.

I've done P90X for about a year in 2008. Since then I've done a version of P90 that involves lifting super heavy without rest. After about 2 years, you can imagine how boring it's gotten. My routine, which I've started about a week and a half ago, involves some pretty intense shit that leaves me nauseous with almost no energy. 25 pull ups, 50 dead lifts, 50 push ups, 50 ab exercises (basically you lay on your back and swing your legs left shoulder, middle right shoulder, middle... that's one rep) 50 squat thrusts plus shoulder press, 50 box jumps and 25 pulls with as little rest and in as little sets as possible. That's my warm up. Then my regular lifting routine. All in all it takes roughly an hour without rest. And I don't rest.

The strange part is I still consume way too many calories, nor do I really care. I love food, and I refuse to cut anything out. In any case, this past week has been insanely hot and humid, which is, of course, why I felt the need to run. For those of you that know me, I HATE running. I hate it, which is ironic because I ran track in high school. However, since it was disgusting out and I'd be melting a bunch of fat away I decided to give it a whirl.

I ran for about a block and was drenched in sweat afterwards. The heat and sun were unrelenting so I gave in and decided to just join the douche bag club and run without a shirt. I could at least now use it as a rag to wipe myself down. I haven't ever really been that self-conscious before. After all, how different is it from being at a pool where guys are expected to not wear a shirt. In any case, it's probably the fastest I've ever ran. I could tell it was pretty fast because I could feel my awesome flab while I was running which made it even more awesome. I laughed at myself the entire time. I am never running in these conditions again. No thanks. Maybe at the beach, but that's different.

Day 48: Never Have I Ever...Eaten 3 Fat Bitches For Immortality

A Fat Bitch is a sandwich at the Rutgers Univ. Famous Grease Trucks. It's a cheese steak sandwich with mozzarella sticks, fries, lettuce, tomato and ketchup on an awesome hogie roll. If you could eat 3 in 30 minutes, you can name and invent one. The challenge now, however, is 5 in 45 minutes.

In my college prime, I was close enough with 2 1/2 down, but I simply hit the wall. Never have I ever eaten 3 fat bitches and got a sandwich named after me. If I did, I would've picked the name "Fat Cock." "Hey, Can I get a Fat Cock with extra white sauce please?" One day I will have my sandwich. One day. Now, go away.

Day 41: Never Have I Ever... Really Tried To Talk To Random People At A Bar

A few people will tell you I’m rather unapproachable. They’ll say I just have that look that says, “No.” I’ll lean my elbows against a bar in silence by myself and be completely content not making contact with a soul. I’ve been known to say, “Don’t talk. Drink.” However, for some reason, strangers continue to come up and chat with me on the street, at the gym, walking down the block or even at the mall. I can’t explain it, but it seems that the only place people don’t seem comfortable approaching me is at a place meant for people to be approached.

One person said I was a bit intimidating, which I thought was pretty cool because anyone that knows me will tell you I’m the furthest thing from it. Others say I look mean, which I can live with. Any my close friends will tell you though, that I’m generally a really laid back, fun loving, and lively person.

Never have I ever just talked to random people at a bar, and here’s why. I hate small talk. I’m socially awkward when it comes to getting to know someone in a very general sense. “What do you do? Where are you from? What’s your name?” I just can’t get into the habit of liking this small but very necessary nonsense. You do need to know someone’s name and it’s good to know what they do. I, however, can have an entire conversation with someone and be completely impersonal.

I like to get into it. “Would you rather have 11 fingers or 11 toes? What’s the difference between a midget and a dwarf? What TV do you watch? (mainly looking for Friends as the answer)” I can and have had 30 minute conversations with people without knowing their names, but never have I ever talked to someone in order to try to get to know them, especially at a bar (because I know how socially awkward I am.)

Last week I went to a bar with a few people. I was getting bored so I decided I’d try and just talk to people like how normal people do, not the way I do. I stood at the bar looking for someone I’d like to make uncomfortable by talking to them. Eventually I found a target, a woman that I wouldn’t be upset getting shot down by.

I asked what she was having, how she liked it, if she knew any other good tasting drinks. Eventually I asked what her name was and what she did. I seemed to be doing okay until I ran out of generic questions I don’t really care about except for name. I decided to lay a test questions, “Do you think the Smurfs and the Snorks live in the same universe or do you think it’s like GI Joe and Thundercats, just two different worlds?” Apparently that’s a thumbs down question. To her defense though, as soon as the question left my mouth I thought, “Did I really just ask this poor girl this?” I hate talking to people.

I met another person. Even though it was a friend’s girlfriend I still didn’t know her previously so it counts. She seemed to tolerate my sense of humor more so than the other person, but that’s most likely because she wasn’t afraid that I’d hit on her or something of that nature.

So, I guess the lesson of this blog is, “Don’t let all the crazy out at one time with someone you just met or are trying to meet. Let it out in small doses.” I will probably never follow this advice because the first person that really gets my sense of humor is marrying me and/or going home with me that night. I don’t care if it’s a dude, a pedophile, or a fucking serial killer. FML

Day 34: Never Have I Ever...Been A Vegetarian

I've recently tried to eat vegetarian for a few days. Before I get into my little spiel about my experience, I'm going to quickly rant about vegetarians/vegans so that you get a better idea for my disdain towards this lifestyle. I'll make it short I promise.

Vegetarianism and veganism by choice is a luxury. That's right! It's a luxury. Set aside the belief system behind for a minute and look at the structure of this movement for a second. A vegetarian is going to purposely not eat meat, a necessary staple of life. It provides a source of iron, fat, minerals and a wealth of other things that plants and supplements just can't provide in the same manner, concentration and absorbtion rate. While their beliefs are respectable, and I do share their beliefs against mistreatment of livestock, I simply just go about my actions differently.

I do not cut things out of my diet. I try to get well raised meat from reliable butchers. There are many people in many countries that cannot afford to meat of any kind. They find their protein the good old fashioned way. They hunt for it, eat insects or farm their own livestock. We live in a society of abundance, and whether you like how the animals are treated or not, denying yourself dietary needs that other people simply cannot afford is a slap in their face. *Rant done.

Moving on now. I wanted to do this little side project whole assed (as opposed to half assed), so I wanted to consume no animal products whatsoever. That means no butter, no milk or anything that came from anything else that used to have a face. Aside from feeling hungry every 15 god damned minutes, I was physically weak and frustrated. Maybe it was from the lack of animal fat or protein, but after a certain amount of time I simply felt a bit unenergetic. My gym activity also suffered as a result.

Furthermore, besides the usual challenges of finding menu items, it is extremely difficult for me to cook without using any animal product whatsoever. Can I do it? Hell yes I can. I'm a damn good cook. Can I do it for an extended period of time and with the same amount of passion? I don't know. Besides eating loads of hummus, vegetarian items were hard to come by when they didn't feel like a bunch of sides thrown together. It is difficult to be a vegetarian, I'll admit that much.

I have no interest whatsoever in being a vegetarian unless forced for health reasons. I have always made it quite clear that I have strong feelings against people that willingly choose this lifestyle. Though i respect their beliefs enough to cook to their specifications (I am in the hospitality industry after all), I just cannot get behind their thought process and methods. 

In any case, I guess I'm glad i only did this little experiment for a short period of time. It was difficult, yes. And knowing that this was not going to last forever was also comforting. Feeling weak and hungry the entire time did not do much for my mood, but I'm glad I can once again be a normal human being and not a douche bag pushing my hipster agenda of the tribulations of american livestock.

Day 27: Never Have I Ever…Driven The Speed Limit Unless Being Followed By A Cop

Ever since I could drive I haven’t really driven the speed limit. Even when I was on probation for collecting a healthy amount of points in a short period of time, I found it difficult to drive the speed limit. Unless I was being followed or thought I was being followed by cop, I was off and running.

For the record I am not an aggressive douche that weaves in and out of lanes without signaling, and I don’t look to screw with people on the road. I certainly don’t look to race. I do not have a fast car, but even when I had Vic (my 6-speed, 200hp, 2 L v-tec rsx type S) I certainly did not look for other cars to race with. I’m just impatient in the car. I categorize myself as a cautious aggressive. I will drive anywhere from 75 – 85 if traffic allows me, but if the opportunity to drive that fast isn’t there, I rarely force it.

The only time I really force the issue is when I drive through NYC. For one thing, no one on the entire island of Manhattan knows how to drive. My goal is to get away from all the cars and stay away from them. Between the stupid Arabs cab drivers, the random slow elderly and/or black people crossing the street, and the Asians that just don’t understand how to drive at all and asshole bike riders, traveling through NYC is comparable to walking through a mine field littered with IEDs when you’re drunk and staring at a shiny red ball and listening to your favorite song.

I’ve tried on numerous occasions to drive the speed limit. 25mph, 55mph, 65mph. I can’t do it. I’ve made conscious efforts to keep under the posted speeds, but 1. I’m just too impatient and 2. It’s just so easy so blast through such slowness. Even when I did try to go 25, I’d be in the fortunate situation to have a tailgater right behind me. This would actually make me drive slower, because yes, dear reader, I’m that guy. I will tap the breaks if you are tailgating me, try my hardest to cut you off if you have just cut me off and honk and stare you down if you act out of line.

You would think that me driving the speed limit would be a good exercise in patience, but the truth is, you get no reward for being a passive driver. You, or at least I, I’ve found, get tailgated, honked at, glared at, cursed at. I attract that kind of attention when I try to follow the rules. It’s nice to not care about all these things, but I’m not one of those people. I’m one of those people that will do 40 in a 25 and 85 on a highway if I can. I’m one of those that will blast off after paying a toll. Never have I ever gone the speed limit if I can help it, and I will continue to not.

Day 20: Never Have I Ever... And Never Will Again If I Can Help It

Never have I ever used my left hand as my predominant cutting hand, and I never will again if I can help it. 

While I was still in high school, I tried to earn a Left Handed Scholarship. Random fact 4-I'm right handed. I tried writing with my left hand, dribbling a basketball, playing pool, anything I could do to seem naturally left handed. The story ends with me totally getting this scholarship. And by "getting this scholarship" I totally mean, I did not get the scholarship. 

Fast Forward A Lot Of Years And A Few Nights Ago:

I was using poultry sheers with my left hand to cut some things the other night as an experiment. I started thinking, "Man, it would really suck if I slipped and cut my right hand." Then without fail, it happened. I slipped and snapped the scissors shut on my finger. Blood rushed out, and I ran the wound under cold water to clean it out. The pain was a confusing sting combined with soreness. The blood didn't seem to stop as I stood there in shock wondering if I had partially nicked my vein. Luckily I did not. 

The irony of this matter is that I was using my left hand because I thought it would be a good side skill to have in case I cut my right hand. I'd still be able to work effectively. Now I have no choice. Now I have to do things with my left hand. 

Eating was a surprising challenge. I felt like a 2 year old. I had to have my dinner in a bowl, and I had to use a spoon. I was holding my spoon with what I like to call an "Excalibur Grip." I was getting rice everywhere but my mouth. It was falling on my tray, on my shirt and on my lap. I had rice and pieces of food all over my face. It was pretty awesome and hilarious while I sat there in a little bit of pain.

Fuck my life.