Day 146: Never Have I Ever…Had To Jump Start My Car (and still haven’t had to)

So last Monday was an odd day. It was a day of bad timing, which is really a typical day for me. I’m totally the type of person to enter a grocery store, and there will be no lines at the checkout counter. However, when I decide to pay I will be on the longest line with no one behind me, suggesting that I am the last person to have to pay, and I will be stuck behind all the feisty old people that need to fight the teller over 5 cents. Then on the way home, pace myself with 65 mph traffic and be the only one to get caught speeding. Upon my return home, my garage remote will run out of batteries, so I’ll call one of my parents to open it for me but they’ll be in heavy traffic. This is typical for me, which is why I think I tend to be so much fun in these situations, if I don’t say so myself. You can bitch an hour which does nothing, or you can make the best of it and laugh.

So last Monday, I had built a desk with A LOT of parts that needed to be disassembled. Yes, that’s correct, I had built it, then needed to take it apart, because my dad needed to clean around the area. Okay, no problem. Done and done.

Earlier that day, I had spoken to a friend because I had forgotten something in her car from Saturday and wanted to pick it up. It was a go. So my plan was to go to Chic-fil-a, pick us up some food, then head about 30 minutes north to pick up my prized possessions, eat, then just go home. I had also called my friend’s hot friend, well because, she’s hot and we get along swimmingly. She loves Chic-fil-a as much as I do and lives around the corner from my friend, so I wanted to include her. To shorten this part, I bring food up to friend and hot friend, we eat, I leave. Done and done.

Around 6:45 I walked out of the mall with a large bag of chicken sandwiches, and I got a call from my friend saying that something had come up, and she couldn’t make it anymore. Then hot friend called me saying the same thing, and I was stuck with a bag of chicken and my proverbial dick in my welcoming hand. She was saying how she didn’t want to make me drive up just to bring her a sandwich, which I would’ve done anyway because I’m crazy random like that. Eventually hot friend and I had agreed that if I drove up to bring her food, she would eat with me and hang out for a bit. Done and done.

At about 730 I picked her up, and we drove around looking for a place to park so we could just eat in my car. We had parked over by the water romantically overlooking Lower Manhattan’s lit skyline. We looked at each other oddly and thought outloud, “Is… is this like a date or something?” We laughed it off, ate, talked and 90 fast minutes later, I had to drive her home. So, being the theme of the day is “What next?!?!” my car doesn’t start. Done and done.

I walked around (and by around I mean to the Starbucks because I had to take a leak) to look for security because they had been patrolling. I figured they would have jumper cables, but they were not to be found. So I made some calls to ask if any friends in the area could jump start me. Done and done.

Hot girl and I walked around the pathway discussing things that adults our age discuss (which is fancy for “I don’t fuckin remember”) and 30 minutes later my friend shows up to jump my car. Excellent. When he got there, I instinctively push the Unlock button on my remote, however, if my battery had died, that shouldn’t have worked. So I decided to try and start my car. So “What next” being the theme of the day, my car starts. We all got a good laugh about hot typical that was since I was involved, and parted way.

On her way home, hot friend and I were discussing the possible “What nexts” and came up with the following:

• As soon as my friend drives off my car breaks down and my phone dies.
• I get 2 flats since I only have 1 spare.
• An anvil falls on me.
• I get caught in the middle of a war between the sewer people and elves.

Day 143: Stop. Focus. Click... WTF?!?!

You know what that is? It's a kick me sign. Apparently my 6 year old nephew thought it would be funny to post one on me while I was passed out. I walked around for half the day with this one me.

Day 142: Remember The Time...I Thought Crooked Toothed White European Girls Were The Hottest Thing Ever?

Lately I've been looking up a whole bunch of random music and have been finding asbolute gems. They're pretty hot and can sing their asses off. Go Europe. When the hell did you start exporting these hotties. If your dental programs could catch up with the rest of the world, you just might have a problem on your hands. Maybe it's because they can rock out I don't know but hot damn!

Day 141: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...There Would Be More Spiteful Songs

There's a lot of music out there. A lot. Of. Music. There are happy songs, songs for celebration, songs about rockin' n' rollin', songs about the streets, songs about fuckin hoes, songs about songs, angry songs, sad songs, songs about being lonely, etc. However, there aren't all that many spiteful songs. Songs that simply say "Fuck you." (Minus the actual song "Fuck You".) Or maybe I just don't know that many.

In Liechtenstein, there would be an informercial selling the greatest "Fuck You" songs of all time. Songs that say, "Hey (enter name), I'm glad you're doing well, but I want my god damn cd back" or "Hey (enter name) we've spent so much time together that now I hate you =) or Dear Ms/Mr (enter name) I really don't hope you're doing well. You screwed me, and this finger is for you.

This is not to be confused with straight up angry music. We do need more music like this however; both the original and this tasty treat of a woman.

Day 140: What Did Batman Say To Robin (almost back on track)

Holy Lots Of Sex Batman! Those People Are Fucking, Fucking!

Today's question is what are the 50 reasons to have sex:

1. I love you sex.
2. I hate you sex.
3. Make up sex
4. Break up sex.
5. Bonus night (the night where you've been broken up for a while, and you end up having sex with your ex for whatever reason.)
6. I found an M&M on your lap, and you thought I was making a pass at you sex.
7. I've never done it in public sex.
8. A new position a friend told you about sex.
9. Angry sex.
10. "What the hell" sex. Where you're on a date that you know is going nowhere, but you're suspicious that the person might be good at sex.
11. Curiosity sex. Ie. You want to have sex with a tall woman. Not big. Just really tall.
12. I can't fall asleep sex.
13. Bored sex. When there's nothing better to do.
14. Pity sex. When you just throw a person one because you feel bad for them for whatever reason.
15. Grieving sex. When you are grieving or in mourning for whatever reason.
16. Exercise sex. When you don't want to go to the gym, but you still need a workout.
17. You were caught masturbating sex.
18. Fully clothed sex. Where you want to try to have sex fully clothed. Ie Sexy and pretty dress + open zipper.
19. Boring movie sex.
20. Going on a long trip, and I won't see you for a week or two sex.
21. I just got back from a long one to two week trip sex.
22. "You want to see how many times" sex. How many times the girl can get off, how many times you can do it in a night, how fast you can do it before the pizza guy gets to the house, etc.
23. You were caught watching porn sex.
24. You are or watching someone else eating something seductively sex.
25. You discovered a new role sex. "When you decide you want to play a new character such as a german chocolate maker trying to make it in the big city for the first time but you have nowhere to live and this kind stranger offers his/her place in exchange for sex" sex.
26. You actually decide you want to be chocolate maker trying to make it in the big city for the first time but you have nowhere to live and this kind stranger offers his/her place in exchange for sex" sex.
27. Practice sex. Not masturbation. You try to practice sex with the other person in order simply get better.
28. Friend sex. You are bored with a friend and decide to have sex.
29. The condoms are about to expire sex.
30. The lube is about to expire sex.
31. A few days before her period sex.
32. A few days after her period sex.
33. Reward sex.
34. Because they were in the shower sex.
35. Because you're in the pool and already half naked sex.
36. Because it's Tuesday sex.
37. Birthday sex.
38. Anniversary sex.
39. Trying to get pregnant sex.
40. Because you've never done something before sex
41. Because your upstairs neighbors are already doing it, and you want them to know that you can be just as loud and obnoxious sex.
42. Trying to have sex in every room of the house sex.
43. You did something wrong like forget to pick up the dry cleaning, make dinner, crashed the car, or lost the dog sex.
44. You found the dog sex. (Note - you are having sex with your partner and not the dog.)
45. You just shaved and are all smooth sex.
46. Someone pulled "The Naked Man" sex. When your date completely strips, and you have sex with them out of a little bit of pity, it's a little funny, and "Why not?" It's a campaign of Shock and Awww.
47. Pregnancy scare sex. When you think you're pregnant but you find out you're not so you have sex to celebrate.
48. Celebration sex.
49. High 5 sex. Where you have very satisfying sex and decide to do it again.
50. It's Sunday and she thought the ice cream cone in your pocket was a boner.

Day 137: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words... Being Blonde

 

Blonde Bombshell (Or Rather Bombshell As A Blonde)



Day 139: Never Have I Ever... Had Purposely Tried To Get Out Of My Shell

It's been a pretty trying past few weeks/months, whatever. I've been hanging out a lot with one of my oldest friends, Rachel (mostly because we just happened to be free at the same times). She is probably one of the most personable, friendly people I know, and I guess it rubs off. It's either that or she's an awesome wing-woman, I haven't decided yet.

Now, you have to understand that I just don't talk to random people. It's taken me about 6 months to talk to a woman that I'm actually pretty close with, and that's really mostly because she made the effort to talk to me. *Note - I can have human conversation. If you talk to me, I'll definitely talk. I'm just not a good conversation starter.

I don't talk to random people (and by people I mean women). It's just something I don't do. I'm not really starving to female attention, and I don't need to be trying to talk to a new one every minute that I'm out. I also have no clue how I have made friends if I don't like the stress of meeting someone new.

Rachel, however, has made friends with the really pretty bartender that I now talk to pretty consistently when she works. There is also this random hot singer of some random band that came up to her, and I somehow started talking to her before getting majorly cock blocked by one of our friends (a female mind you).

I purposely tried this little social experiment, I guess, to get out of my shell. Mission - half passed.

Day 133: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

AH! i swear i fuckin hate blogspot right now!!! i just posted an entire entry and it didn't save wtf!

*Edit

Holy Boner Batman! Is That An Ice Cream Cone In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?!?! (Please say it's an ice cream cone though!)

According to New York City law, a person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket. What prompted this law's enactment?

In New York City, it is illegal to walk around with an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sunday. “What in the world?!?!” one might ask. Simply, Sunday is God’s day; a day of rest and a day of minimal activity including sex.

Since this country was basically inhabited by pilgrims from its beginning, just about anything sexual was considered the work of the devil. Sex was mainly for procreation, and not for any kind of fun. They had 1, MAYBE 2 reasons to have sex (instead of the 50 that we have today) which were to consummate the marriage and to have children.  Any other reason was practically forbidden.

This would explain why they did not really have any dick shaped food. No lollipops , no hot dogs, no sausages.  A few men would carry around ice cream cones in their pants to save for later, but women, not really understanding much about an erection, were offended. Simply put, they thought that these men were sporting a chubby since they would constantly fidget around in their pockets making sure the ice cone was not melting too quickly.  

The more promiscuous woman would ask, “If that an ice cream cone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” The man would pull out an ice cream cone, and feeling rejected and embarrassed, the slut, I mean woman, would exclaim that the man was being inappropriate. He was then burned at the stake.

To prevent any more of these so-called mishaps, it became unlawful to walk around on a Sunday with an ice cream cone in your pants. Being modern times, Monday through Saturday is fair game to have people think you are ready for sex, but Sunday is still God’s day.

Day 136: Stop. Focus. Click...What Are They Trying To Teach Kids Nowadays

Night vision goggles. For kids. Starting the stalking years early.

Day 135: Remember The Time...I Liked Playing My Guitar

I used to play my guitar. A. Lot. I haven't even really touched it in a few months. For some reason I'm just lacking the motivation to pick it up and even play for 30 seconds. I'm hoping it's just a phase, and I'm hoping that some live music will make me want to pick it up again and play. We'll see.

Day 130: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

The Cupe Of Joe's... And Also Mary's

Day 134: If I Ruled Liechtenstein... Traffic Makes Sense

you're driving on the highway, and you hit traffic. you slow down to 20 mph for 3 miles, and traffic speeds up again for absolutely no reason. sometimes there just is no reason for things that happen. agreed.

in liechtenstein however, traffic makes sense. there will be no rubber necking, no random stopping, all highways will have a merge lane as opposed to a stop line, and drivers will know how to drive properly.

Day 132: Never Have I Ever...Been So Enthusiastic To Paint The Garage

Every year my dad finishes the garage doors with varnish before the coming winter. This year, so desperate to be outside and keep busy, I offered. There's something about doing a menial task that is sort of relaxing. You don’t have to think about anything except what you’re doing right now. It’s probably why I love cooking so much.

There’s no thoughts of what the hell I’m doing with my life, how many wrong paths I’ve chosen, how often I’ve screwed something up, or how angry I am. I just needed to paint. That’s all I had to do, and I took my sweet ass time. It was hot, and I was sweating, and it was great.

Day 129: Stop. Focus. Click... Has it Gone Too Far?

Angry birds for an angry man. Actual sling shot and toys complete with blocks and pigs.

Day 128: Remember The Time...I Remember Why I Only Eat White Castle After Drinking

I've had White Castle 3 times this past month. It's been a long time since I've eaten it this much. Each time was on the way home from a bar after hanging out with a close friend, and each time I remember loving it. Off a whim, I had WC just a burger completely straight edged and OMG. Not. Good. It reminds me partly why I've stopped eating major chain fast food restaurants (well that and some major philosophical issues). I know there's burger in there, but it doesn't really taste of meat. Among other things, I felt purely unsatisfied.

Some things are meant to be eaten only after a night of partying. These things include White Castle, a cold cheese steak sandwich, Woh Hop Chinese food, Hop Kee Chinese food and diner steak.

Day 127: If I Ruled Liechtenstein... There Is No Bitching Without A Solution

Everyone needs to vent. I understand this. However, when you start to vent about 1 thing continuously for an extended period of time, it turns to sheer bitching. In Liechtenstein our culture dictates that after extensive venting, problem solving begins. No one should have to listen to a person bitch for days in a row, years in row, for hours in a row about the same thing without the other person having some sort of solution. Otherwise, I don't want to hear about your shitty work day for the past 3 years, about your shitty boyfriend for 2, and about your shitty life for 1 without at least trying to figure out what it is you should be doing. I simply do not care anymore.

This is not to say that I won't listen and that people shouldn't listen because they should. They should always listen. They just shouldn't be forced to listen to the same thing day in and day out.

Day 126: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Depressing Yet Quite Interesting Topic Batman! I'm Hungy!

You die tomorrow. What are the last meals of your life?

I love asking this question. You can ask a person this one day, and they’ll give you an answer. You ask them two months later, and you’ll most likely get a different answer. You also get to know what kind of person you’re talking to.

The last foods I’d want to eat if I died tomorrow are pretty simple and pretty complex so I don’t really know what that says about me except that I like a lot of stuff.

Breakfast – diner pancakes, Belgian waffle, a Filipino smoked fish called tinapa, my mom’s garlic fried rice with vinegar and garlic and MacDonald’s fries with ketchup. Cookie Crisp cereal milk to wash this nonsense down, eggs benedict from WD-50.

Mid-morning snack – blueberry muffin and marble load cake from Starbucks and these Danish butter cookies that were always at my grandmother’s house.

Lunch – A big mac, double bacon cheese burger, a fat bitch from the Rutgers grease trucks.

2^nd lunch – Chic-fil-a. each thing from the menu washed down with vanilla ice cream and an overload of crunchies.

Early dinner – Filipino bread called pan de sal with Kerigold Irish Butter and Maldon sea salt and my grandfather’s fried rice.

Dinner – Grilled sour bread with good olive oil. Grilled steak and a cauliflower and broccoli casserole. Foie gras, chorizo sausage, blood sausage from DBGB, a roast chicken from Saul, my mom’s adobo, home fries that my dad made once when I was little, pulled pork BBQ, crispy pig tail, crispy pig’s feet with lots of vinegar, General Tso’s Chicken from any shitty Chinese restaurant, pizza from NY.

Dessert – sticky toffee pudding cake, cupcakes from Sunshine Bakery, my sister’s cookies, warm chocolate cake

Midnight snack – fried chicken skin from Popeye’s and a double cheese burger from White Castle stuffed with their clam strips.

Day 125: Never Have I Ever...Hung Out With A Felon

So, back to this weird girl, Brandy, from a few posts ago. Apparently, to my understanding, my friend Rachel thought I was trust worthy enough to be left alone with this girl. However, a recent conversation with my dear friend, Rachel, revealed Brandy's mugshot. I didn't really care as this girl is 115 lbs soaking wet and about 3 feet tall. I just thought it was funny that Rachel was weary of leaving her friend alone with me. Now I understand why.

It figures that the first girl I meet in months was arrested for battery. Although she can be sort of hot, I'm going to say not so much in this case. Fair warning to all of you out there in the blogasphere: Do not meet anyone ever. Especially if you're me, which you're not.

Day 124: Shakespeare's High School Poetry...TBD

Terza rima is a three-line stanza using chain rhyme in the pattern A-B-A, B-C-B, C-D-C, D-E-D. There is no limit to the number of lines, but poems or sections of poems written in terza rima end with either a single line or couplet repeating the rhyme of the middle line of the final tercet. The two possible endings for the example above are d-e-d, e or d-e-d, e-e. There is no set rhythm for terza rima, but in English, iambic pentameter is generally preferred.
For this week I sort of had this strange idea. Most people think sex and love go hand in hand, but what if your girlfriend was a pornstar. Sex is now work rather than love, so what does it mean when you have sex with her. That was the idea when I started it anyway. I'm not so sure that that conveys, but I sort of just let words whatever words pop out lead the way. The god damn formatting screwed me up quite a bit, and the rhythm is a bit funny.

"Is this love I feel right here?"
She slid my hand above her heart,
And whispered in my ear.

My hands began to slip her legs apart.
I lost myself inside her eyes,
While I thought that this just might go far.
I touched the lace on her thighs.
I laid my hand onto her face,
And sunk her body into mine.
I felt her heart begin to race.
While I held her tightly to my chest,
She pulled her hands down to my waist.
She ran her lips along my neck.
She whispered in my ear.
And with every heave we began to sweat.
Is this love what we have right here?
Will this passion survive our years?

Day 123: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words... Hey Jealousy!

Green with Envy

Day 122: Stop. Focus. Click... Breaking The Rules

I know I'm supposed to take a picture on Fridays, but I was so completely captivated by this person's voice that I just NEED to spread it. 1. She's pretty hot. 2. See number one because if her voice was a person, I'd probably ruffy the hell out of it and take it in the bathroom.

Day 121: Remember The Time...I Wish I Was Someone Else

I don't think I've ever been this tired of being exactly who I am. They say, "Nice guys finish last." Let me be the first to tell you that they do.

I'm open minded, flexible, willing, understanding, determined, a good friend (I think so anyway) and probably the biggest sucker you'll meet. Pity party - end.

Day 120: If I Ruled Liechtenstein... Everyone A Cook

I have just spoken to my advisers about my newest idea. All citizens of Liechtenstein will have to work in a restaurant in either the front of back of the house. This will be as part of their late high school/college curriculum and will last for the school year.

This will do a number of things. It will teach our youth about hard work. It will teach them how to deal with different personalities. It will teach you a good deal of team work, communication, and how to move with a sense of urgency. They will learn how to deal with stress and how to work under constant pressure. It will also humble the brats and give the troubled a little bit of purpose and personal pride.

The front and back of house do wonders for your personality, and you learn a lot about yourself in situations where normal people would panic. For this reason, our citizens will be that much more successful if ever they decide to leave. Go team!

Day 119: What Did Batman Say To Robin

Holy Pilgrim Sex Batman! Those People Are Planking Each Other Pretty Hard!

Planking – laying flat, face down in an unusual, incongruous location. Or, what the pilgrims called “sex.” Either case is pure stupidity. So, this week’s question asks, “Why is planking so popular?”

Planking, like freestyle walking, owling, beanie babies, and gravity is a fad; people wanting to do something strange and something stupid, which in turn, makes it fucking awesome. What’s not to like about a hot girl lying face down with a chair on her face and a car at her feet. That, my friend, is what we in the business call “Wife-y material.” It’s also an unequivocalled sex invite, or at least that’s what I’m going to tell my attorney.

With this reasoning, planking is a form of peacocking. That is, showing off one’s ability to be a good match for procreation. Planking needs a certain amount of dexterity and creativity. Although just lying there may be boring in bed, in planking, it’s a necessity. Although planking does not make good sex on a stable surface such as a floor or table, it does make sex at least a little bit interesting in a hallway with a coffee table and a counter. Wifey-material, I tell you. Wifey. Material.

Day 118: Never Have I Ever...Went To A Bar Fully Expecting To Not Have Fun

I’m a fun person. I try to have fun no matter where I am. I can find fun no matter where I am. It’s a talent, I guess. However, when I went out with my good friend this past weekend, I knew full well I was not going to have a good night.

You see, dear reader, she has an uber-dramatic friend (meaning psycho) that I met a few days before. My friend, we’ll call her Rachel, felt comfortable enough to leave me alone with her friend, who we’ll call Brandy. Apparently I am a cool, trustworthy guy. This night, though, my patience would be put to the test.

After Rachel left, the night quickly went downhill as Brandy was psycho-emotional over her ex-boyfriend. She started crying hysterically and rambling. I thought to myself, “Well hello person I’ve met for the first time ever in life, how do you do?” I tried to calm her down, but she was insistent on drunk dialing her ex and rambling on about blah blah blah. I honestly stopped caring after she had shown me her propensity for stubbornness in the face of logic.

She continued to call him, and he continued to ignore her. I said something to the effect of, “Well if he’s not answering, maybe you should stop calling and just let it go.” To which the already hysterical girl went even more hysterical. Fuck my night. I walked her to her car, told her to text me when she got home, and that was the end of it. (Actually she called me when she got home, said “Matt?” I replied, “No but I guess you’re home.” and hung up the phone and went back to sleep. Hahaha)

We all hung out again on Friday, a few days later. Rachel warned me that she was bringing her ex. I thought to myself, “Well this is going to totally ruin my night.” But I love Rach to death, and I will hang out with her at the drop of a hat if I can.

The night started out okay, before Brandy started trying to make her boyfriend jealous by openly trying to flirt with me and talk about me. To her defense, he was being a douche. I knew what she was trying to do and immediately told her to leave me alone. He too came up to me and asked what was up. I immediately defended myself. “Bro, I don’t know what the hell is going on with you two, but honestly, I don’t fuckin care. I’m 31 and way too old to be dealing with your young ass drama. So, whatever the fuck it is ya’l have to do to act fuckin normal, do it, and stop ruining my buzz.” He seemed to respect the bluntness actually, so he got out of my face.

The rest of the night was more of this, so at the end I briefly thanked the both of them for ruining my night. Fuck. My. Life.

Day 117: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Today

Carpe Diem means "seize the day." The term is about living for today without worry about what tomorrow will bring and what yesterday has done to you. So, a carpe diem poem has this theme in mind.

Today's poem topic is one of my most favorite, food. I love food. I love eating food. I love talking about food. I love writing about food. I love thinking about food.

Dessert First

I'll only live once.
So dessert first for me please.
Consequences damned.

Day 116: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words... Timing

A Day Late And A Dollar Short