Not so long ago in a universe not all that far away, I had gas. Bad fucking gas. I was lighting it up all day just about. I never really care if I have to let one go. They’re usually quiet unless I choose the opposite, and they rarely stank (that’s right, dear reader, “stank”) unless, of course, I have to take drop a pretty bad deuce.
Never have I ever purposely crop dusted an entire group of people on the train trying to reach the other end of the car. That is until a few days ago. Peaches and beer are two things that make me notoriously gassy. If I’m having either, you can bet I’m dropping a bunch of silent bombs.
On this fateful day, I was waiting for my sister to take the PATH train. I had bought a few peaches from Whole Foods, because I was so parched that even drinking water was not helping. We had finally met, and I knew what was going to happen once the train would make its way towards Newark Penn Station. I would have to let a few go on the train and hope that no one would notice. I was already mentally preparing just when to drop my magical ass burps. Being a NJ Transit pro, I know where the train is the noisiest.
The PATH ride was unexpectedly ass silent. The NJT ride, however, was not. In a moment of weakness, and I would have to say a little bit of revenge against the Indian community for years of BO torture, I let out a test fart (approximately 10-17% of the entire fart to test for smell and sound level). This fateful day though, I released a rushing river that simply could not be contained by any natural means. That’s right folks, the danger of a test fart is that sometimes, just sometimes, you cannot stop what needs to be released.
While walking towards the other end of the car, I had somewhat inadvertently crop dusted the entire isle. I would have to say though, I was quite impressed with the duration, quietness, and odorlessness. I silently laughed on the inside while cursing and simply not caring about the people I have left in the path of my bodily napalm. I simply did not care anymore. There's this saying god awful nerdy saying that I absolutely love. "A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas." Translated: Show them no mercy for you shall receive none. Years of NJT commuting and not once has their BO shown me any kind of relief. This was my way of offering no quarter when I have neither asked for or even received any.
So if you’re sitting on a train, and I’m in the car, beware. You may have just been crop dusted sucka.
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