Day 8: If I Ruled Liechtenstein.

Red Light, Green Light, 1, 2, Ah Screw It I'm Walking.

Ever notice how traffic lights have that button you push that is supposed to change the color of the light when you want to cross the street? Ever notice how they almost never work? The light usually changes at its normal pace whether the button is pressed or not. So why have them there to at all?

Is it supposed to make you feel like it's not wasting the 30-45 seconds you spend standing there with your thumb up your own ass while waiting to cross the street? This is usually why people j-walk to begin with. No cars are coming, the lights don't give you the right of way just yet, so you push this pointless button to not feel like a jackass while you hold your 3 gallon jug of water, bag of watermelons, and carton of eggs. Why in the world you decided to buy a jug of water and a bag of watermelons when you have to walk home is beyond me, but you did it and now regret it probably.

When you visit my glorious country, you will not have this problem. In Liechtenstein all the buttons attached to these traffic lights work. Liechtenstein, being so small, is also pedestrian friendly (just another reason to come for a visit). When waiting to cross the street, simply push the “I Want To Cross The Fucking Street” button, and it will turn the opposing light amber, then red in a timely but safe manner.

Each traffic light will be equipped with a safety camera to catch the offenders who dare run the red light at the last second. Red light runners will receive a prompt traffic ticket, and a swift yet light punch in the face. These rules also apply to evil bike riders. In my country if you ride a bike in the street, you will need to abide by the laws of the street. (Notice I said laws of the street and not laws of “da streetz.” It’s different.) So feel safe, dear pedestrian, someone has your back. And his name is me!