My partner in crime and I talk. A lot. About a lot of ridiculous things. She likes to ask a lot of questions, and I like to return with a lot of obscure answers. Before we know it, we've talked about how a blanket has 2 sides for about 30 minutes. We just have downright fun conversations. That's just the way it's always been.
Remember the time she asked for a man's opinion and I responded with, "Well, if I was a guy?" She looked at me strangely for about half a second when I caught myself. "Did... did I just say IF I was a guy?" She laughed of course, and me, being the good natured person I am, laughed right along with her.
Really? IF I was a guy? Really? This does not help the case she has been building against me that I am gay. (I'm not, just for the record. I've kissed over 4 women in my lifetime and didn't think about how it would feel to have a guy jab me in the thigh with his love wand. Not once.) It also didn't help that I had told her about this stupid online test I randomly took which said I was 49% gay. If you think about it this way, I am 1% away from being bi which is still at least half straight.
It also didn't help that one of the doormen thought I was gay, and, me being who I am, needed to try find ways to mess with him. Examples are as follows: biting my lower lip seductively while saying good-bye, lingering eye contact, writing him notes with a heart of the "I" in his name, finding different reasons to bend over, the list goes on.
Maybe I shouldn't have told her that a gay man was hitting on me one time, and I didn't realize he was flirting with me. I was at a bar for a work function and, due to my super powers, (I have the innate ability to become invisible to bartenders) was ignored when trying to get a drink. This guy comes up to me and starts talking to me. Now I'm a friendly guy, and I'll talk to just about anyone that talks to me. However, I probably should've picked up that he was gay when he said mentioned he liked my belt and my shoes. I dress nice! What do you want from me?!?
When I got back to my friends, one of them said something to the effect of, "So you like your new friend?" She gave me a look that I knew and immediately became defensive. "No he's not! Fuck me! He is!" I then proceeded to make her pretend to be my girlfriend for the rest of the night. Occasionally, the guy would make eye contact with me and I'd nod a "Hello there, this is my girlfriend" look. Thank you to her. That was clutch.
Just for the record, my penis says I'm a guy, and all this porn I have in the background says, I'm straight. Until next time, dear reader, toodles! xoxo
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