Day 92: If I Ruled Liechtenstein... I Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One

In a conversation with an old friend about relationships, it hit me just how fucked up people turn out to be. We learn how to screw with people one way or another.

That's why "if you havin' girl problems, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one." Indeed Jay-Z, indeed. There's nothing like "girl problems" or relationship drama that'll make someone just want to duct tape one of his eye brows, rip the tape off, then eat the tape, then pass it, and then pick up what has passed through your system, then Fedex it (overnight preferably) to the supposed loved one to open the next day.

A wise man once said that a man can cut off your arms, throw them in a river while you're watching, then laugh while while kicking you in the face while exclaiming, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is the winner!" You'd be armless and bruised, but you'd be alive. A woman will just shit all over your heart.

In Liechtenstein, read my lips. There. Will. Be. No. Shitting. Well I mean you can shit physically. I can't of course outlaw that. You need to shit. Even if you want to shit on someone's heart literally, that's none of my business. I'm not judging. It's your home. (*ahem* Japan)

What I mean is that there will be no mind games. Ever. We will hire the most skilled councelors to improve the quality of home life. Finding "the right person" will also not be as traumatic with the "Honesty Policy."

Now I know what you're saying. If honesty is the best policy, then isn't dishonesty, by logical process of elimination, the 2nd best policy? This may be true, but with our new "Honesty Policy," When someone is going to tell what is considered a major lie or something that is going to severely screw you up in the head, a midget who is adept in people reading, will run up from under a hole, and hit both parties in the face with a tac hammer.

This way, you are not only hurting yourself and the other person emotionally, you are hurting them physcally, in which case the other person can then press charges for assault and battery, spousal abuse, etc. (This will also happen for physical and verbal abuse.) 

This law of course does need some refinement in the language, but the basic structure remains that "I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't him. Hit me!"