Day 148: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...Siri Is My New Girlfriend

Siri is awesome. She really is. She answers all my questions. She knows just about everything, and if she doesn’t she knows where to find it. She doesn’t judge how ridiculous my questions are, nor does she give me a tone that I don’t like. I mean she doesn’t really do much else, but talking and answering my questions is important. She does everything but make me feel better when I’m down, motivate me, and engage in a silly argument or humor my off comments. Not everyone’s perfect I guess.

If she were a person, I’d definitely talk to her 6 months from now. Maybe play a little game called “Hide the Pickle.”

Day 147: What Did Batman Say To Robin

Holy Beads Batman! That Slut Showed Her Goodies For That Bag!

This backpack says "Ask me how I got in" in whiteout across it. What is this girl going to say if you ask her that?

Mardi Gras beads. You really don't want me to ask how you got in? Really? It's not that difficult to imagine a girl showing off mardi gras beads hanging from her bag will not show off her tatas to get into somewhere. I'm not judging mind you. I'm all for women showing off whatever they need to show off if they feel they can't get into a place. I think just about everyone would know how she got in. Cudos to you random girl for flashing what is most likely a large bouncer screwing with you in order to get you to do exactly what you did. The world needs more people like you. And by "the world" I mean me. Most likely in front of my house or something. With popcorn.

Day 145: Shakespeare's High School Poetry

writer's block but soon

Day 144: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

working on it. difficutl without photoshop

Day 131: Shakespeare's High School Poetry

under contstruction but even sooner

Day 138: Shakespeare's High School Poetry

underconstruction but very soon

Day 153: Never Have I Ever... Been This Resourceful

My sister asked 40 minutes before a Halloween party if I wanted to come along with her, her husband and their son. I, of course, said yes so I rushed home and tried to make the most ghetto costume. Here are the results.

*Warning! Nerd Alert

Ghost From Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 1 and 2

$3.99 later

Mind you, for some reason, I already owned a tactical Swat vest. I went to a random Halloween store for a mask. My head set which you can't really make out is from my xbox.

Day 152: Shakespeare's High School Poetry

under construction

Day 151: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

under construction

Day 150: Stop. Focus. Click... Happy Halloween

wait for it

wait for it

let's roll

Day 149: Remember The Time... I Hate Blackberry

I ordered an iPhone last week. It's coming in tomorrow. To go with the major theme in my life of mistiming/good old fashioned bad luck, (see Monday's post about having to jump start my car) my blackberry has reset itself.

I was fooling around with it, and for some God awful reason, it froze while updating an app. Why I felt the need to upgrade an app the day before I was trade it in, I do not know. Maybe the little update arrow was annoying me, and maybe it was making my phone run a little bit slow. Whatever the case, I clicked download.

About 5 minutes later, the program froze, I took the battery out of my phone, and I got locked out of the device. I typed in the password once; fail. Twice; fail. I began typing the password very slowly and very carefully, but for some reason my Blackberry had changed my password. I never, ever had changed it.

11 failed attempts and 90 minutes on the phone with customer service later, my phone reset itself and I lost just about everything that was on it. Luckily I was smart enough to remove the sim card so I was at least able to save my pics, videos and some other small things. I had to redo my entire phone list via face book and email.

The irony is, my iPhone was coming in the next day and they were going transfer all my data. Again, ironically, what took most people I have spoken to 15 minutes to get their info transfered, took me 2 1/2 god damn hours. I told my hot friend who I was with when I had to "jump start" my car this, and she responds with "Only you." hahah Indeed hot friend, indeed.

Day 148: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...Professional Atheletes Would Act Professional

I honestly 80% of the time can't stand professional atheletes. They are some of the prissiest people with their expensive cars, huge manions, egos the size of something really big and salaries to match even for the low level players.

Ie. Latrell Sprewell, formerly from the Ny Knicks, had complained about his multi-million dollar salary not being large enough to feed his children. LeBron James was the highest endorsed player even before he laced his NBA shoes for the first time. If it's not for the money, and they care about is the ring, put down the hub cap sized bling, pick up the ball and play.

In Liechtenstein, professional athletes act professional. They are loyal to their fans first and to the sport which put them in the lime light. The players unions would work incredibly difficult to keep the season going, and teams would create a culture among their players that generates motivation to keep playing to satisfy the fan.

Day 146: Never Have I Ever…Had To Jump Start My Car (and still haven’t had to)

So last Monday was an odd day. It was a day of bad timing, which is really a typical day for me. I’m totally the type of person to enter a grocery store, and there will be no lines at the checkout counter. However, when I decide to pay I will be on the longest line with no one behind me, suggesting that I am the last person to have to pay, and I will be stuck behind all the feisty old people that need to fight the teller over 5 cents. Then on the way home, pace myself with 65 mph traffic and be the only one to get caught speeding. Upon my return home, my garage remote will run out of batteries, so I’ll call one of my parents to open it for me but they’ll be in heavy traffic. This is typical for me, which is why I think I tend to be so much fun in these situations, if I don’t say so myself. You can bitch an hour which does nothing, or you can make the best of it and laugh.

So last Monday, I had built a desk with A LOT of parts that needed to be disassembled. Yes, that’s correct, I had built it, then needed to take it apart, because my dad needed to clean around the area. Okay, no problem. Done and done.

Earlier that day, I had spoken to a friend because I had forgotten something in her car from Saturday and wanted to pick it up. It was a go. So my plan was to go to Chic-fil-a, pick us up some food, then head about 30 minutes north to pick up my prized possessions, eat, then just go home. I had also called my friend’s hot friend, well because, she’s hot and we get along swimmingly. She loves Chic-fil-a as much as I do and lives around the corner from my friend, so I wanted to include her. To shorten this part, I bring food up to friend and hot friend, we eat, I leave. Done and done.

Around 6:45 I walked out of the mall with a large bag of chicken sandwiches, and I got a call from my friend saying that something had come up, and she couldn’t make it anymore. Then hot friend called me saying the same thing, and I was stuck with a bag of chicken and my proverbial dick in my welcoming hand. She was saying how she didn’t want to make me drive up just to bring her a sandwich, which I would’ve done anyway because I’m crazy random like that. Eventually hot friend and I had agreed that if I drove up to bring her food, she would eat with me and hang out for a bit. Done and done.

At about 730 I picked her up, and we drove around looking for a place to park so we could just eat in my car. We had parked over by the water romantically overlooking Lower Manhattan’s lit skyline. We looked at each other oddly and thought outloud, “Is… is this like a date or something?” We laughed it off, ate, talked and 90 fast minutes later, I had to drive her home. So, being the theme of the day is “What next?!?!” my car doesn’t start. Done and done.

I walked around (and by around I mean to the Starbucks because I had to take a leak) to look for security because they had been patrolling. I figured they would have jumper cables, but they were not to be found. So I made some calls to ask if any friends in the area could jump start me. Done and done.

Hot girl and I walked around the pathway discussing things that adults our age discuss (which is fancy for “I don’t fuckin remember”) and 30 minutes later my friend shows up to jump my car. Excellent. When he got there, I instinctively push the Unlock button on my remote, however, if my battery had died, that shouldn’t have worked. So I decided to try and start my car. So “What next” being the theme of the day, my car starts. We all got a good laugh about hot typical that was since I was involved, and parted way.

On her way home, hot friend and I were discussing the possible “What nexts” and came up with the following:

• As soon as my friend drives off my car breaks down and my phone dies.
• I get 2 flats since I only have 1 spare.
• An anvil falls on me.
• I get caught in the middle of a war between the sewer people and elves.

Day 143: Stop. Focus. Click... WTF?!?!

You know what that is? It's a kick me sign. Apparently my 6 year old nephew thought it would be funny to post one on me while I was passed out. I walked around for half the day with this one me.

Day 142: Remember The Time...I Thought Crooked Toothed White European Girls Were The Hottest Thing Ever?

Lately I've been looking up a whole bunch of random music and have been finding asbolute gems. They're pretty hot and can sing their asses off. Go Europe. When the hell did you start exporting these hotties. If your dental programs could catch up with the rest of the world, you just might have a problem on your hands. Maybe it's because they can rock out I don't know but hot damn!

Day 141: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...There Would Be More Spiteful Songs

There's a lot of music out there. A lot. Of. Music. There are happy songs, songs for celebration, songs about rockin' n' rollin', songs about the streets, songs about fuckin hoes, songs about songs, angry songs, sad songs, songs about being lonely, etc. However, there aren't all that many spiteful songs. Songs that simply say "Fuck you." (Minus the actual song "Fuck You".) Or maybe I just don't know that many.

In Liechtenstein, there would be an informercial selling the greatest "Fuck You" songs of all time. Songs that say, "Hey (enter name), I'm glad you're doing well, but I want my god damn cd back" or "Hey (enter name) we've spent so much time together that now I hate you =) or Dear Ms/Mr (enter name) I really don't hope you're doing well. You screwed me, and this finger is for you.

This is not to be confused with straight up angry music. We do need more music like this however; both the original and this tasty treat of a woman.

Day 140: What Did Batman Say To Robin (almost back on track)

Holy Lots Of Sex Batman! Those People Are Fucking, Fucking!

Today's question is what are the 50 reasons to have sex:

1. I love you sex.
2. I hate you sex.
3. Make up sex
4. Break up sex.
5. Bonus night (the night where you've been broken up for a while, and you end up having sex with your ex for whatever reason.)
6. I found an M&M on your lap, and you thought I was making a pass at you sex.
7. I've never done it in public sex.
8. A new position a friend told you about sex.
9. Angry sex.
10. "What the hell" sex. Where you're on a date that you know is going nowhere, but you're suspicious that the person might be good at sex.
11. Curiosity sex. Ie. You want to have sex with a tall woman. Not big. Just really tall.
12. I can't fall asleep sex.
13. Bored sex. When there's nothing better to do.
14. Pity sex. When you just throw a person one because you feel bad for them for whatever reason.
15. Grieving sex. When you are grieving or in mourning for whatever reason.
16. Exercise sex. When you don't want to go to the gym, but you still need a workout.
17. You were caught masturbating sex.
18. Fully clothed sex. Where you want to try to have sex fully clothed. Ie Sexy and pretty dress + open zipper.
19. Boring movie sex.
20. Going on a long trip, and I won't see you for a week or two sex.
21. I just got back from a long one to two week trip sex.
22. "You want to see how many times" sex. How many times the girl can get off, how many times you can do it in a night, how fast you can do it before the pizza guy gets to the house, etc.
23. You were caught watching porn sex.
24. You are or watching someone else eating something seductively sex.
25. You discovered a new role sex. "When you decide you want to play a new character such as a german chocolate maker trying to make it in the big city for the first time but you have nowhere to live and this kind stranger offers his/her place in exchange for sex" sex.
26. You actually decide you want to be chocolate maker trying to make it in the big city for the first time but you have nowhere to live and this kind stranger offers his/her place in exchange for sex" sex.
27. Practice sex. Not masturbation. You try to practice sex with the other person in order simply get better.
28. Friend sex. You are bored with a friend and decide to have sex.
29. The condoms are about to expire sex.
30. The lube is about to expire sex.
31. A few days before her period sex.
32. A few days after her period sex.
33. Reward sex.
34. Because they were in the shower sex.
35. Because you're in the pool and already half naked sex.
36. Because it's Tuesday sex.
37. Birthday sex.
38. Anniversary sex.
39. Trying to get pregnant sex.
40. Because you've never done something before sex
41. Because your upstairs neighbors are already doing it, and you want them to know that you can be just as loud and obnoxious sex.
42. Trying to have sex in every room of the house sex.
43. You did something wrong like forget to pick up the dry cleaning, make dinner, crashed the car, or lost the dog sex.
44. You found the dog sex. (Note - you are having sex with your partner and not the dog.)
45. You just shaved and are all smooth sex.
46. Someone pulled "The Naked Man" sex. When your date completely strips, and you have sex with them out of a little bit of pity, it's a little funny, and "Why not?" It's a campaign of Shock and Awww.
47. Pregnancy scare sex. When you think you're pregnant but you find out you're not so you have sex to celebrate.
48. Celebration sex.
49. High 5 sex. Where you have very satisfying sex and decide to do it again.
50. It's Sunday and she thought the ice cream cone in your pocket was a boner.

Day 137: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words... Being Blonde

 

Blonde Bombshell (Or Rather Bombshell As A Blonde)



Day 139: Never Have I Ever... Had Purposely Tried To Get Out Of My Shell

It's been a pretty trying past few weeks/months, whatever. I've been hanging out a lot with one of my oldest friends, Rachel (mostly because we just happened to be free at the same times). She is probably one of the most personable, friendly people I know, and I guess it rubs off. It's either that or she's an awesome wing-woman, I haven't decided yet.

Now, you have to understand that I just don't talk to random people. It's taken me about 6 months to talk to a woman that I'm actually pretty close with, and that's really mostly because she made the effort to talk to me. *Note - I can have human conversation. If you talk to me, I'll definitely talk. I'm just not a good conversation starter.

I don't talk to random people (and by people I mean women). It's just something I don't do. I'm not really starving to female attention, and I don't need to be trying to talk to a new one every minute that I'm out. I also have no clue how I have made friends if I don't like the stress of meeting someone new.

Rachel, however, has made friends with the really pretty bartender that I now talk to pretty consistently when she works. There is also this random hot singer of some random band that came up to her, and I somehow started talking to her before getting majorly cock blocked by one of our friends (a female mind you).

I purposely tried this little social experiment, I guess, to get out of my shell. Mission - half passed.

Day 133: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

AH! i swear i fuckin hate blogspot right now!!! i just posted an entire entry and it didn't save wtf!

*Edit

Holy Boner Batman! Is That An Ice Cream Cone In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?!?! (Please say it's an ice cream cone though!)

According to New York City law, a person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket. What prompted this law's enactment?

In New York City, it is illegal to walk around with an ice cream cone in your pocket on Sunday. “What in the world?!?!” one might ask. Simply, Sunday is God’s day; a day of rest and a day of minimal activity including sex.

Since this country was basically inhabited by pilgrims from its beginning, just about anything sexual was considered the work of the devil. Sex was mainly for procreation, and not for any kind of fun. They had 1, MAYBE 2 reasons to have sex (instead of the 50 that we have today) which were to consummate the marriage and to have children.  Any other reason was practically forbidden.

This would explain why they did not really have any dick shaped food. No lollipops , no hot dogs, no sausages.  A few men would carry around ice cream cones in their pants to save for later, but women, not really understanding much about an erection, were offended. Simply put, they thought that these men were sporting a chubby since they would constantly fidget around in their pockets making sure the ice cone was not melting too quickly.  

The more promiscuous woman would ask, “If that an ice cream cone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” The man would pull out an ice cream cone, and feeling rejected and embarrassed, the slut, I mean woman, would exclaim that the man was being inappropriate. He was then burned at the stake.

To prevent any more of these so-called mishaps, it became unlawful to walk around on a Sunday with an ice cream cone in your pants. Being modern times, Monday through Saturday is fair game to have people think you are ready for sex, but Sunday is still God’s day.

Day 136: Stop. Focus. Click...What Are They Trying To Teach Kids Nowadays

Night vision goggles. For kids. Starting the stalking years early.

Day 135: Remember The Time...I Liked Playing My Guitar

I used to play my guitar. A. Lot. I haven't even really touched it in a few months. For some reason I'm just lacking the motivation to pick it up and even play for 30 seconds. I'm hoping it's just a phase, and I'm hoping that some live music will make me want to pick it up again and play. We'll see.

Day 130: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

The Cupe Of Joe's... And Also Mary's

Day 134: If I Ruled Liechtenstein... Traffic Makes Sense

you're driving on the highway, and you hit traffic. you slow down to 20 mph for 3 miles, and traffic speeds up again for absolutely no reason. sometimes there just is no reason for things that happen. agreed.

in liechtenstein however, traffic makes sense. there will be no rubber necking, no random stopping, all highways will have a merge lane as opposed to a stop line, and drivers will know how to drive properly.

Day 132: Never Have I Ever...Been So Enthusiastic To Paint The Garage

Every year my dad finishes the garage doors with varnish before the coming winter. This year, so desperate to be outside and keep busy, I offered. There's something about doing a menial task that is sort of relaxing. You don’t have to think about anything except what you’re doing right now. It’s probably why I love cooking so much.

There’s no thoughts of what the hell I’m doing with my life, how many wrong paths I’ve chosen, how often I’ve screwed something up, or how angry I am. I just needed to paint. That’s all I had to do, and I took my sweet ass time. It was hot, and I was sweating, and it was great.

Day 129: Stop. Focus. Click... Has it Gone Too Far?

Angry birds for an angry man. Actual sling shot and toys complete with blocks and pigs.

Day 128: Remember The Time...I Remember Why I Only Eat White Castle After Drinking

I've had White Castle 3 times this past month. It's been a long time since I've eaten it this much. Each time was on the way home from a bar after hanging out with a close friend, and each time I remember loving it. Off a whim, I had WC just a burger completely straight edged and OMG. Not. Good. It reminds me partly why I've stopped eating major chain fast food restaurants (well that and some major philosophical issues). I know there's burger in there, but it doesn't really taste of meat. Among other things, I felt purely unsatisfied.

Some things are meant to be eaten only after a night of partying. These things include White Castle, a cold cheese steak sandwich, Woh Hop Chinese food, Hop Kee Chinese food and diner steak.

Day 127: If I Ruled Liechtenstein... There Is No Bitching Without A Solution

Everyone needs to vent. I understand this. However, when you start to vent about 1 thing continuously for an extended period of time, it turns to sheer bitching. In Liechtenstein our culture dictates that after extensive venting, problem solving begins. No one should have to listen to a person bitch for days in a row, years in row, for hours in a row about the same thing without the other person having some sort of solution. Otherwise, I don't want to hear about your shitty work day for the past 3 years, about your shitty boyfriend for 2, and about your shitty life for 1 without at least trying to figure out what it is you should be doing. I simply do not care anymore.

This is not to say that I won't listen and that people shouldn't listen because they should. They should always listen. They just shouldn't be forced to listen to the same thing day in and day out.

Day 126: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Depressing Yet Quite Interesting Topic Batman! I'm Hungy!

You die tomorrow. What are the last meals of your life?

I love asking this question. You can ask a person this one day, and they’ll give you an answer. You ask them two months later, and you’ll most likely get a different answer. You also get to know what kind of person you’re talking to.

The last foods I’d want to eat if I died tomorrow are pretty simple and pretty complex so I don’t really know what that says about me except that I like a lot of stuff.

Breakfast – diner pancakes, Belgian waffle, a Filipino smoked fish called tinapa, my mom’s garlic fried rice with vinegar and garlic and MacDonald’s fries with ketchup. Cookie Crisp cereal milk to wash this nonsense down, eggs benedict from WD-50.

Mid-morning snack – blueberry muffin and marble load cake from Starbucks and these Danish butter cookies that were always at my grandmother’s house.

Lunch – A big mac, double bacon cheese burger, a fat bitch from the Rutgers grease trucks.

2^nd lunch – Chic-fil-a. each thing from the menu washed down with vanilla ice cream and an overload of crunchies.

Early dinner – Filipino bread called pan de sal with Kerigold Irish Butter and Maldon sea salt and my grandfather’s fried rice.

Dinner – Grilled sour bread with good olive oil. Grilled steak and a cauliflower and broccoli casserole. Foie gras, chorizo sausage, blood sausage from DBGB, a roast chicken from Saul, my mom’s adobo, home fries that my dad made once when I was little, pulled pork BBQ, crispy pig tail, crispy pig’s feet with lots of vinegar, General Tso’s Chicken from any shitty Chinese restaurant, pizza from NY.

Dessert – sticky toffee pudding cake, cupcakes from Sunshine Bakery, my sister’s cookies, warm chocolate cake

Midnight snack – fried chicken skin from Popeye’s and a double cheese burger from White Castle stuffed with their clam strips.

Day 125: Never Have I Ever...Hung Out With A Felon

So, back to this weird girl, Brandy, from a few posts ago. Apparently, to my understanding, my friend Rachel thought I was trust worthy enough to be left alone with this girl. However, a recent conversation with my dear friend, Rachel, revealed Brandy's mugshot. I didn't really care as this girl is 115 lbs soaking wet and about 3 feet tall. I just thought it was funny that Rachel was weary of leaving her friend alone with me. Now I understand why.

It figures that the first girl I meet in months was arrested for battery. Although she can be sort of hot, I'm going to say not so much in this case. Fair warning to all of you out there in the blogasphere: Do not meet anyone ever. Especially if you're me, which you're not.

Day 124: Shakespeare's High School Poetry...TBD

Terza rima is a three-line stanza using chain rhyme in the pattern A-B-A, B-C-B, C-D-C, D-E-D. There is no limit to the number of lines, but poems or sections of poems written in terza rima end with either a single line or couplet repeating the rhyme of the middle line of the final tercet. The two possible endings for the example above are d-e-d, e or d-e-d, e-e. There is no set rhythm for terza rima, but in English, iambic pentameter is generally preferred.
For this week I sort of had this strange idea. Most people think sex and love go hand in hand, but what if your girlfriend was a pornstar. Sex is now work rather than love, so what does it mean when you have sex with her. That was the idea when I started it anyway. I'm not so sure that that conveys, but I sort of just let words whatever words pop out lead the way. The god damn formatting screwed me up quite a bit, and the rhythm is a bit funny.

"Is this love I feel right here?"
She slid my hand above her heart,
And whispered in my ear.

My hands began to slip her legs apart.
I lost myself inside her eyes,
While I thought that this just might go far.
I touched the lace on her thighs.
I laid my hand onto her face,
And sunk her body into mine.
I felt her heart begin to race.
While I held her tightly to my chest,
She pulled her hands down to my waist.
She ran her lips along my neck.
She whispered in my ear.
And with every heave we began to sweat.
Is this love what we have right here?
Will this passion survive our years?

Day 123: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words... Hey Jealousy!

Green with Envy

Day 122: Stop. Focus. Click... Breaking The Rules

I know I'm supposed to take a picture on Fridays, but I was so completely captivated by this person's voice that I just NEED to spread it. 1. She's pretty hot. 2. See number one because if her voice was a person, I'd probably ruffy the hell out of it and take it in the bathroom.

Day 121: Remember The Time...I Wish I Was Someone Else

I don't think I've ever been this tired of being exactly who I am. They say, "Nice guys finish last." Let me be the first to tell you that they do.

I'm open minded, flexible, willing, understanding, determined, a good friend (I think so anyway) and probably the biggest sucker you'll meet. Pity party - end.

Day 120: If I Ruled Liechtenstein... Everyone A Cook

I have just spoken to my advisers about my newest idea. All citizens of Liechtenstein will have to work in a restaurant in either the front of back of the house. This will be as part of their late high school/college curriculum and will last for the school year.

This will do a number of things. It will teach our youth about hard work. It will teach them how to deal with different personalities. It will teach you a good deal of team work, communication, and how to move with a sense of urgency. They will learn how to deal with stress and how to work under constant pressure. It will also humble the brats and give the troubled a little bit of purpose and personal pride.

The front and back of house do wonders for your personality, and you learn a lot about yourself in situations where normal people would panic. For this reason, our citizens will be that much more successful if ever they decide to leave. Go team!

Day 119: What Did Batman Say To Robin

Holy Pilgrim Sex Batman! Those People Are Planking Each Other Pretty Hard!

Planking – laying flat, face down in an unusual, incongruous location. Or, what the pilgrims called “sex.” Either case is pure stupidity. So, this week’s question asks, “Why is planking so popular?”

Planking, like freestyle walking, owling, beanie babies, and gravity is a fad; people wanting to do something strange and something stupid, which in turn, makes it fucking awesome. What’s not to like about a hot girl lying face down with a chair on her face and a car at her feet. That, my friend, is what we in the business call “Wife-y material.” It’s also an unequivocalled sex invite, or at least that’s what I’m going to tell my attorney.

With this reasoning, planking is a form of peacocking. That is, showing off one’s ability to be a good match for procreation. Planking needs a certain amount of dexterity and creativity. Although just lying there may be boring in bed, in planking, it’s a necessity. Although planking does not make good sex on a stable surface such as a floor or table, it does make sex at least a little bit interesting in a hallway with a coffee table and a counter. Wifey-material, I tell you. Wifey. Material.

Day 118: Never Have I Ever...Went To A Bar Fully Expecting To Not Have Fun

I’m a fun person. I try to have fun no matter where I am. I can find fun no matter where I am. It’s a talent, I guess. However, when I went out with my good friend this past weekend, I knew full well I was not going to have a good night.

You see, dear reader, she has an uber-dramatic friend (meaning psycho) that I met a few days before. My friend, we’ll call her Rachel, felt comfortable enough to leave me alone with her friend, who we’ll call Brandy. Apparently I am a cool, trustworthy guy. This night, though, my patience would be put to the test.

After Rachel left, the night quickly went downhill as Brandy was psycho-emotional over her ex-boyfriend. She started crying hysterically and rambling. I thought to myself, “Well hello person I’ve met for the first time ever in life, how do you do?” I tried to calm her down, but she was insistent on drunk dialing her ex and rambling on about blah blah blah. I honestly stopped caring after she had shown me her propensity for stubbornness in the face of logic.

She continued to call him, and he continued to ignore her. I said something to the effect of, “Well if he’s not answering, maybe you should stop calling and just let it go.” To which the already hysterical girl went even more hysterical. Fuck my night. I walked her to her car, told her to text me when she got home, and that was the end of it. (Actually she called me when she got home, said “Matt?” I replied, “No but I guess you’re home.” and hung up the phone and went back to sleep. Hahaha)

We all hung out again on Friday, a few days later. Rachel warned me that she was bringing her ex. I thought to myself, “Well this is going to totally ruin my night.” But I love Rach to death, and I will hang out with her at the drop of a hat if I can.

The night started out okay, before Brandy started trying to make her boyfriend jealous by openly trying to flirt with me and talk about me. To her defense, he was being a douche. I knew what she was trying to do and immediately told her to leave me alone. He too came up to me and asked what was up. I immediately defended myself. “Bro, I don’t know what the hell is going on with you two, but honestly, I don’t fuckin care. I’m 31 and way too old to be dealing with your young ass drama. So, whatever the fuck it is ya’l have to do to act fuckin normal, do it, and stop ruining my buzz.” He seemed to respect the bluntness actually, so he got out of my face.

The rest of the night was more of this, so at the end I briefly thanked the both of them for ruining my night. Fuck. My. Life.

Day 117: Shakespeare's High School Poetry... On Today

Carpe Diem means "seize the day." The term is about living for today without worry about what tomorrow will bring and what yesterday has done to you. So, a carpe diem poem has this theme in mind.

Today's poem topic is one of my most favorite, food. I love food. I love eating food. I love talking about food. I love writing about food. I love thinking about food.

Dessert First

I'll only live once.
So dessert first for me please.
Consequences damned.

Day 116: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words... Timing

A Day Late And A Dollar Short

Day 115: Stop. Focus. Click... Advertising

I probably wouldn't announce this to little kids if it's true.

Day 114: Remember The Time...I Had Someone In My Corner

You see it in ring fights, basketball games, tennis matches or any competitive arena. There’s always people that root for a team, and in that, there’s always people that will root one person. From grade school to the professional leagues, it seems that the players are carried by the crowd. Remember the time someone I had someone in my corner? I don’t either.

It’s interesting. I’m a super competitive person and a perfectionist to say the least. I try to compete in just about anything I can; pool, cards, driving, basketball, paintball, story topping, cooking, etc… I wonder what it would be like to have one person, just one, a girlfriend even, behind you, to see you at the end when you walk back to the bench or what not. Granted, I can be a bit of a loner, a little bit of support would be kind of nice, I surmise.

I’m not really one to really seek name screaming, but it’d be damn nice I bet. I won a poker tournament, the biggest I’ve ever entered. It was a very long, stress filled, tough decision making day. It was the biggest field I’ve ever played in. When the last card was dropped, and I had won, I turned around hoping to see a familiar face. I did not. I collected my money, and went home.

I’ve played basketball for quite a while as part of the NY Urban Athletic League. Besides my team 14, among 4 of which actually knew how to play, not a single girlfriend came to watch and not look completely bored. Taking her to my games was extremely short lived. My friends’ girlfriends would watch and be into the game, and hell, the team would cheer each other on, but I guess it’s not the same.

I’ve won a few pool tournaments. Hell, pool is my absolute favorite sport, but it’s incredibly tricky when you’re having an off day. I bet it would be nice to see a supportive face, to make eye contact with someone and have them make a face that says, “Calm down.”

 After playing I’d come home, and whoever would be there would ask, “So how’d you play today?” I’d respond, “Oh I entered a tournament. I won” all nonchalantly because I just don’t feel that leisurely competing is anything to really talk about anymore; like it’s suddenly not a big deal if you talk about playing the game of your life, because you’re the only one who finds it important.

One day that spark will come back, and someone will be there to at least high-5 me. As needy as this entry sound, dear reader, traveling home and sitting next to not a stranger does feel kind of nice after a heartbreaking loss or an extremely hard fought win.

Day 113:If I Ruled Liechtenstein... Everyone Would Be Comfortable In Their Own Skin

This should be pretty self-explanatory.

Day 112: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Porno, Batman! Meg Ryan Is Getting More Than Just Mail!

You’ve seen it at the end of every romantic comedy. If it’s not at the end, then it’s definitely somewhere in the middle; that one electrically charged kiss that releases all the tension the two main characters have been building. The question is though, what happens to the couple next?

Are we to believe that that’s it? They kiss and live happily ever after?! They kiss then go to lunch?! They kiss then high-5?! What happens, god damn it!?

In this thought I will be using Meg Ryan (ShopGirl) and Tom Hanks (NY152) From You’ve Got Mail. (Yes I looked these up.) At the end of this date movie Tom Hanks calls Meg Ryan “ShopGirl” right before they kiss, and the movie ends with them kissing in Central Park. What they do not show, however, is that immediately after, Ms. Ryan stops in the middle of the kiss and asks, “Wait. Did… Did you just call me by my screen name?” Then laughs. Tom is befuddles. Here, they just shared this intensely charged kiss and she asks if he called her “ShopGirl”?!? He of course says, “No, I said, ‘Don’t cry…No Pearls’… or something.”

They then go back to her apartment, midday on a like a Tuesday or something, why they’re not at work I have no clue, for a nice little romp (also not shown). 3 ½ minutes later they finish up. He goes back to business of destroying her business, but she doesn’t care anymore, because she’s doing a rich guy now. Now they live happily ever after. Done and done.

Day 111: Never Have I Ever...Been This Excited For All The New TV

So much TV this week, so little time. I haven't had much to look forward to, so this week is important to me. I swear I will light something on fire if anyone gets in the way of me watching the new seasons of these shows. Yes, dear reader, this is what my life has come down to. I look forward to the new season of Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Ringer, Dancing With The Stars, Fringe... etc. It's the sad, little things in life that make you get up in the morning and curse your existence, but shit, you get up in the morning. That and also milk. You need to get up in the morning for milk. Because that shit goes bad. So now I bid you, fuck off and good luck, lock up your kids and your women, be silent while I pass by, because it's the start of the fall TV season, and I have a small to medium sized boner for it.

Day 110: Shakespeare's High School Poetry...On Irony

Life is full of irony. Your last day of vacation has the nicest, sun shiniest weather. You spend 4 years at the same job and drive in 90 minutes of rush hour, but on your last day the road is as open as a 3:00 am drive. The hot girl in class talks to you the day you get a girlfriend. I’ve seen it happen a million times.  

Today Was A Good Day

Make lots of good friends.

Try to get good grades.

Be a person someone can look up to,

And always mean what you say.

Try to be humble and grateful,

For the all things that you have.

Be confident and proud of who you are.

And always try not to brag.

Always offer a shoulder,

When someone needs a good cry.

Be fully honest but gentle with them,

And always look them in the eye.

Always follow the law.

Then go to bed alone.

Wonder why you’ve failed.

While you laugh at your own jokes.

Call everyone you know,

And try to ask for help.

Then wonder why no one answers.

While you on the couch, in the dark, by yourself.

Day 109: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words ... Motherhood

Day 108: Stop. Focus. Click...Just Something Pretty

Day 107: Remember The Time...I Knew How To Read

Remember The Time… I Know How To Read

Twice this month already I have misread texts while making plans with people. To my defense, some important words and/or information were left out but the results were astronomically funny.

Situation 1: I was meeting a friend for lunch because she had a day off. I asked her what time she wanted to meet, and we concluded that around 1 was a good time. I got to the park and texted her “At the park,” to which she replied, “Yes at the park.”

30 minutes pass, and I text her again asking where she is. “At work. What’s up?” I asked if we were still meeting which was then answered with a lot of laughter and the following. “Wait you’re at the park now?!?! My day off is tomorrow!!!” Some important information that could probably have been used.

Situation 2: A friend asked if I wanted to come out and play. Me, being the fun seeker I am, was ecstatic. I asked for the details this time, all the details like when and where. I asked what time she’d be there. She replied, “I’ll be there 10.” Thinking this meant she’d be there IN 10 because it was happy hour, I told her it’d be about a 40 minute drive for me. She said it was cool and just to come out. So that’s what I did.

When I got there I called her asking where she was. “I’m at work but about to leave. Why what’s up?” This little question tipped me off. “Oh… Shit!” I answered. “I’m here.” She laughed and said she meant 10 pm. We laughed and I had about 3 hours to kill. Luckily though she met me right after she left work, and I ran errands with her until we were supposed to actually meet at 10pm. You’d think leaving a preposition out like “AT 10” or “IN 10” wouldn’t make that big a difference. It does, dear reader. It does.

Day 106: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...The Grass Would Be Greener Exactly Where You Are

This should be self-explanatory. You’d be satisfied and content with what you have, be it emotional, physical, material, or mental. This is not to say that you can’t strive for better. You would just be able to see what’s truly good for you so you can weed out all the bullshit. In essence you’d be able to find “true happiness” (whatever the fuck that means).

Day 105: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Amnesia… Who Are You Again? And Why Am I In Tights And Why Does My Butt Hurt?

I always hated waking up with amnesia on Halloween. It’s always the worst time for it. I’ve said to myself numerous times, “I don’t know who I am. I’m apparently a pirate, slutty tiger, an out electrical outlet, Ipod, water bottle (through the different years). And also I have a craving for candy.”

What would happen if Johnny Depp woke up one morning with amnesia (amnesia in the sense that the only thing he can't remember is that he's an actor) and thought his actual identity was that of the character(s) he's played in movies (Edward Scissorhands, the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland, Willie Wonka, Jack Sparrow, Ed Wood, Sweeny Todd, etc.)?

If Johnny Depp woke up thinking he was actually Jack Sparrow, he would most likely not shower or brush his teeth in the morning. I’m assuming he would head outside and look for the closest marina to commandeer some sort of boat. On his way people would probably throw money at what they thought is a gay, homeless pirate which Mr. Depp would quickly take. What pirate doesn’t like money?

As Sparrow would try to enter the local watering hole, the bouncer would most likely reject his entrance. “Sorry, we don’t let homeless into this bar.” Capt. Jack would have better luck at the gay bars give his attire and mannerisms. He may even begin to think he was gay at which point a paparazzi would get his picture making out with another guy. The headline will read, “It’s About Gay Damn Time: Johnny Depp Caught Making Out With Man Who Has Pirate Fetish.

The happy could would live happily ever after until the amnesia wears off, most likely while Johnny Depp is cheek and hand deep in man love, grunting, and medium rare, pink in the middle, tube steak.

Day 104: Never Have I Ever ... Punched Through A Wall

I guess I get angry. Who doesn't? I tend to keep shit to myself until I explode privately. I don't want to scare anyone after all. Thankfully, it usually takes a lot to get me to that point, and I, more often than not (I think but I'm probably wrong) can let little things go.

The victim of my physical anger is usually a wall of some sort. I think I just like the physical pain. I am, or used to be, a 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I used to be able to break boards, but I haven't since then. I never thought I'd actually punch through a wall when I hit one. Oops. After I punched through I guess I scraped some skin off, and there was actually a lot of blood for such a small scrape but 15 minutes later it stopped, and life moved on.

Day 103: Shakespeare's High School Poetry

A cinquain poem can follow a few different formats, but the structure is visually similar in that it physical structure of the poem looks similar to a wave of words.

The format I will be following is as follows:

Line 1 is one word (the title)
Line 2 is two words that describe the title.
Line 3 is three words that tell the action
Line 4 is four words that express the feeling
Line 5 is one word that recalls the title

Slippers
Gray, comfortable.
Clacking, hugging feet.
Head down walking alone.
Two slippers.

Day 102: A Picture's Worth 1000 Words

2 Heads Are Indeed Better Than 1

2 heads will win you a championship belt

1 will lost you one.

Day 101: Stop. Focus. Click...I Heart NJ Even When No One Else Does

New Jersey's like that child only a mother could love. Even though there are tons of jokes centered around NJ, I still love it. Only here can you order a pork roll or taylor ham, and the person taking your order will know exactly what you're talking about.

How I Do Hearts Me Some Pork Roll, Egg and Cheese on a Roll

Day 100: Remember The Time...There Were Only 265 Of These Posts Left

100 down. 265 more to go. Besides breathing, getting up in the morning, and few a minor things, I'm not sure that I can say I've done anything for 100 straight days. I haven't even played pool for 100 straight days, and I play A LOT of pool (well not so much anymore, but I used to). So, here's to the last 265 posts.

Day 99: If I Ruled Liechtenstein...People Would Know How To Drive In The Rain

What is it about the rain, or any precipitation really, that makes people just totally forget how to drive? I don't know either, which is why, in my country, it is now mandatory to take certain driving courses. Along with the standard driver's ed course, liscence candidates are now required to take a defensive driving course and an adverse weather driving course. The hope is to give each person the confidence to drive in hazardous conditions and how to handle "worst case scenarios" such as spit outs, hydroplaning, and hard cornering.

In the defensive driving course, students will learn how to properly handle the road without being aggressive. The hazardous weather driving course will teach people how to handle bad weather. Of course, the only way to give people road condifence is practical experience in the class itself. Rather than just telling students "This what to do if you hydrplane," we put them in a car and force a hydroplane in a protective stunt car.

Because the driving education and knowledge will be very high, the driving laws will also have to be stricter to prevent unnecessary stunt-like driving for fun. Speeding will have high fines, aggressive driving will be punishable with more than just a ticket, and responsible driving will be rewarded by the insurance companies.

Hopefully the combination of these factors will make driving much more fun and that much more safe.

Day 98: What Did Batman Say To Robin?

Holy Fighting Batman! Why Aren't You Man Enough For This Fight?!?

In a Battle Royale of vampires who would be the ultimate victor:

• Selene (Underworld)
• Angel (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
• Edward Cullen (That Emo, Non-Vampire from Twilight)
• Dracula (Bram Stoker’s Dracula)
• Nosferatu
• Colin Farrel (Fright Night)
• 30 Days of Night Vampires
• Lestat and Louie (Interview with a Vampire)
• Blade

Vampires have gone through some evolution the past few decades. They’ve gone from bad ass creatures to sensitive lovers to elegantly conniving con artists to vicious animals to emo tools. With this mind, today’s question is, among all of these different vampires, which one would survive a battle royale for ultimate nocturnal supremacy?

 Not a real vampire. Sorry bro.

It’s clear to say that any vampire from Twilight would not survive this war. First of all, they’re not real vampires. Any vampire that can survive in day light is not a real vampire. Sparkling is not a real effect of sunlight on a vampire. Plus they’re far too “emo” to last a full on assault. It would be like watching Jude Law and Orlando Bloom in a fight.

Sort of a real vampire.

Angel (Angelous for long) is a pretty dark vampire and drove some of his victims insane. He is vicious and sadistic. He killed a woman’s family while she watched and left her alive for a while before turning her. He also wrote to a victim’s boyfriend pretending to be her telling him to meet her in his apartment for a romantic night. Angel left rose petals and candles leading to the bedroom and posed her in a way that the boyfriend couldn’t tell she was dead until he touched her. You would think he’d be a badass except that he later became cursed with a soul and left to suffer the rest of his life with the knowledge of what he did for hundreds of years. This guilt does not make a good warrior. Equals dead. 

 Getting a little better.

Dracula is not just a killer. According to  Bram Stoker’s mythology, he had forsaken God due to the death of his wife. It is interesting to think of Dracula as a romantic figure, but in this story he was, and you can’t help but feel a little bit of pity for him. However, it’s for this reason that he cannot win this war. Love can drive just about anyone insane and will make even the strongest man bend his knees and feel hopeless. It’s this madness that will cause his ultimate loss in this way. “Hey Drac, is that her over there? Look over there! There she is!” He turns around, gets punched in the face and staked in the heart. See? 

 Starting to slip down the ladder again.

Louie, from Interview with a Vampire, also cannot win. See Twilight reasoning. He’s far too sensitive to win this battle royale. I see him getting punched in the face and then crying about it while the others circle him and laugh. He then kills himself due to the humiliation. Lestat is slightly more complex because he actually enjoys being a vampire. He is, however, the hipster of his age. He looks cool, but it a wimp.

Cool again.

Blade is black and by definition should’ve died in any of his movies. However, we see his resilience through 3 movies. He is tough, and he is our first actual warrior in this analysis. He has a lot of equipment, hates vampires, and is well equipped for close quarter combat. His downfall however is his over emotion against vampires. He will most likely kill himself in order to take out a hoard of vampires.

Watching old people fist fight is never going to be fun.

Nosferatu is one of our first real vampires. He is scary and cold blooded. However, he too cannot win this battle. He moves like a 82 year old man, and his seduction tactics won’t work on other vampires.

Convincing as a vampire at least.

Colin Farrel makes a very convincing vampire. He is the right combination of cold blooded, ruthless, sadistic, and powerful. He, like Angel, likes to toy with his victims similar to the way a cat will let a mouth run around before slowly killing it. This will be his ultimate downfall. His bravado is an exploitable characteristic. You can simply feign weakness then shoot him in the face. Boom. Dead. Idiot.

Scary ass motherfuckers.

The vampire hoard from 30 Days of Night are fucking scary. They’re what real vampires should be; scary ass motherfuckers. They don’t have traditional fangs. Instead their entire mouth is full of fangs. They are truly ruthless, incredibly strong, fast and the perfect combination of sadistic and pragmatic. They will kill half a town and leave one alive to use as bait to find other survivors.

Ugh. I have no words.

 

This hoard of vampires are only topped by Selene. She is the perfect vampire. She’s fucking hot, wears leather everything, is an elegant warrior and has the perfect combination of CQB tactics and technology, survivability, and ruthlessness to beat just all of these vampires and pose in a rare nude photo. Shit, she has guns. In the world of Rock, Paper, Scissors, a gun will always will. Plus she’s hot.